Am I Forgiven?

My mind wanders at one chapter of my past. It doesn’t matter who I have become today, still my past is always part of me. No matter how many things I have shared with people, how many people I have helped with my words, and how many hearts I have soothed just by lending my ears – Still… I did some big mistake in the past. Whether I was fully or half conscious what I was doing that time. At the time when life was generous to me, I remember feeling grateful but how on earth I could take certain decision that was almost heartless and so out of this world; judging from my rationality. Was that even me? I browsed around Facebook and saw the page of my ex. He is using his full name so I bet he doesn’t mind to be discovered. My little thought said to me that he might consider the possibility that I might just come across his Fb and find out that he’s still alive – and yes, he’s having a good life. 

 I remember when things didn’t work out between us – how I have hurt this man so badly. The kind of hurt that he didn’t deserve to get. A man like him is just so rare. He’s really the type who will not have 2 ladies in his life. Just one and only one. Never once that I ever felt jealous – and what I did to him was totally the opposite. Whether he didn’t trust me enough or I did deserve the doubt. I was really different back then. I enjoyed having a relationship, but I didn’t want more than that. Whether I was not ready or maybe I thought he was not the man for me. I remember feeling so happy but why I couldn’t see him more than a loving boyfriend. I noticed his effort of keeping me happy and excited. I did realise feeling so much appreciation towards this man. And he was not just there to waste my time cos he really wanted us to be more than that – but why was I not ready for that. I let him wait too long just because I could not make my mind. I thought that I would be ready but I could not. Eventhough I have my sets of reasons why, still, he didn’t deserve to be treated that way. I broke his heart so badly. I just couldn’t be the lady of his life. This is how I understand why some women break their man’s heart by refusing to take it further. It just didn’t feel right back then. I could foresee that I won’t be happy with him in the long run. I wonder if I was too selfish. But didn’t I have the right to decide what’s best for me? STILL, he didn’t deserve that pain. Not from someone he thought was “The One” made for him. I deserved crying and traumatized by all this. I deserve having my tears falling from the pain of breaking his heart. I deserved feeling sorry and crushed. I just couldn’t get it why I didn’t just simplify the story and accepted his proposal. I would be a good ending for a mutual relationship. I could slap myself for that mistake, but still I knew I was deciding the best for me that time. 

Now that time has passed, he has moved on. I don’t know what he felt when I told him I WAS SO HAPPY that he found someone else. He never talked to me after that, ever. I thought I hurt him again cos he wanted me to feel hurt instead of happy. He wanted me to feel his pain so he put his relationship status and wife’s name for public to see, so I could click the wife’s profile too. I wonder if any one of my assumptions was right. As I browsed some pictures (which I thought are purposely made public), I could see his happy face with his spouse. I felt so relieved. I hope those are genuine and not just cover up. I remember praying to God so he could have a happy life after my episode. I have this guilt for so long already. Maybe I have received my punishment too. Not to mention how long I was being emotionless and unprepared for another relationship after him. I’VE DONE MY TIME RIGHT? Now free me from this guilt. I believe that he and I were not meant to be. I hope he has forgiven me completely cos it’s my turn to move on :) The right person at the right time. Maybe he was not destined to be with me. 

NOTE: FORGIVE ME :)