The Curse Of Being Younger

Today is 7 April 2011. Am I still the same as who I was exactly one year ago? How do I know for sure? I’ve been thinking of this for quite a while. Despite the fact that I always admit that my childishness will always be a part of me, would I actually admit that I’m growing up with time? It’s hard NOT to grow up with time. It’s hard. 

If I were to face the same ordeal, would I handle it the same way just like one year ago? Maybe not. Maybe that’s how I know that I have matured. Though I might find the same situation as annoying as before, but I just react differently. I don’t snap easily and I am more reserve with my expressive responses. I hold my anger better than ever and I don’t simply speak words I would regret. This is a wisdom I don’t know I have until I deal with critical situations that need me to react spontaneously. This is a beauty. Another work of God.

I saw some younger people and put them in my little study case. I could see how I shake my head seeing how they handle things with their lives daily. How they speak all the wrong things that will backfire them. How they react emotionally and throwing tantrums all at the wrong place. Yeah. It should remind me of myself when I was as young as them. I should remember the time when someone picked up a fight with me, I would let people know how pissed and angry I was. I fought till the end that made sure I won’t skip a point in letting them now how Right I thought I was and how wrong I thought they were. It was so tiring to want to prove a point and that feels like a neverending struggle. In the end, you end up looking silly and even if you win, it might not be a fair game.

Being as rebellious as I am now, I don’t think being more matured takes that away. I just express myself in a slightly different way, though still rebelliously. I still make the unpopular decisions and I’m still not so much of a follower. Just that, there are stupidities that I won’t learn until I become older. There were things that I thought was smart, but appear to be not so smart.

I saw some talented people whom I know could get so far but they are lacking in simple things that simply slow them down in their own battle. They get discouraged so easily and get distracted by little games of feelings. I mean, whatta waste. They could not see potentials in them and even if they do, they don’t seem to think that it’s a big deal. In other words, their control for emotions is very weak. In some worse case scenario, some could even end up wasting all their good values over wrong judgment and greed just to prove a useless point over an ego. When I see them, I might not exactly be where they are now before, but it reminds me back in the days where I often wanted to win the wrong struggles just because of peer pressure while trying to deal with my own bad nature. I also remember how easily hurt I got when I received criticism or when I got teased over something. I wasn’t sure if I was good or not so I always depended on people’s opinion. I was still curious if they thought I looked good enough, or presented myself good enough – that I needed their approval before I could approve my own opinion about myself. Those were the days when I was crawling to even find myself. Yeah, I was younger and should I blame myself for not being smart enough? Maybe not.

Today, people could shower me with flattering and even criticism, be it over my attitudes, my looks or my work. They could go ahead and do it. Just that I can’t promise when I would snap the same way. I can’t promise I be as stupid as before. I can’t promise that your approval for my good values are taken so seriously. This is bcos being older gives me a wisdom that I don’t get from all the books I read. I finally see and accept who I am with all my goods and bads and this is without the presence of other people’s opinions.

For the younger people, I am sorry if you don’t have that abilities yet. I’m sorry if you still have to present your stupidest acts or speak all the embarrassing lines to defend yourself. I’m sorry if people could make you cry and lock yourself in the room just because someone throws you a comment that makes you feel like an ugly duckling. I’m sorry that you don’t know your potential as much as others could see. I’m sorry that you buy lies. I’m sorry that you often get caught in wrong infatuation and I’m sorry you can’t even judge it right if someone is sincere or just a sucker-up. Forgive yourself for being younger. It’s not time to be so smart yet. Your time will come.

Survive the ordeals and welcome to the world of maturity. :)

Between Keeping Promises And Pursuing Love

Scenario : You fell in love with this person, and shared love journey and found out that you wanted to commit with this person. You promise to give your lifelong commitment. Your parents have met and acknowledge the relationship between you two. A wedding is expected to happen after a year or so.

You go back to your place where you work, at a place far away from family and the lover. As you go by with your everyday life, you grow quite close to new friend who you find very attractive. The person is like the answer to everything that you want. You know you are taken, but you think it doesn’t harm to just be friendly and you thought it won’t hurt your relationship with your lover. Call this Forces of Nature, cos you never intend to cheat. You even told the person that you have a lover. You both believe you two gonna be just friends.

Day to day, you have stopped thinking about your lover. You are filled with the new person. When the new person reminded you about your lover, you get annoyed and disturbed. You want both of you to forget about the existence of the first lover. The next thing is you confess feelings for the person and the person sort of accepting it. You feel so good inside because it’s a boost to yourself to finally get the person as your lover. You are so madly in love. The new person gives you all the right reaction. The first lover out of the picture.

One day, it explodes when the first lover comes to your place from afar and claim your words. The person bursts in anger to know that you have another lover. The lover stays there to guard and watch your move because the lover decides that there’s no way you can go with second lover so peacefully. In desperation, you silently still meet your second lover. The second lover is so shocked to hear about the first lover. The 2nd lover thought you are no longer with the 1st lover because of your reluctance. The 2nd lover feels cheated but you beg the 2nd lover to stay and be patient as you will handle this matter. You are determined to break up with the first one and go with the 2nd.

So, this is why most of you pick no.2. right? A typical answer :)

The scenario above happened to a person I know. The person has picked No.1 lover. You might pick the same if given the situations that:

1. Your first lover is the type who fight for his/her rights. All the family matters will be brought to your attention so you know you are in deep sheit. You can’t just back up thinking that many people are affected.

But after knowing this, you might still persist to go through all that, because you don’t want to lose the 2nd lover. The first lover puts your life in misery that you hardly have space for the second lover since the interference. You keep telling your second lover to be patient for this because you need to settle things first and you don’t dare to push away the 1st lover without proper procedure because of the involvement of family. You need the 2nd lover to understand and wait for you.

Yeah…You will still stick with your decision to pursue you love…UNTIL…

You wake up one morning finding out that the 2nd lover has simultaneously closed all connections with you without even a goodbye. The 2nd lover picks the time to just walk away from you and let you just proceed with your old lover. The 2nd lover has determined to make the decision easier for you.

Now, you don’t have much choice but go with the 1st lover.

I have some advice to ANYONE who becomes the 2nd lover in a story similar to this. If you become the person who is torn between 2 lovers, IT’S TOUGH TO MAKE DECISIONS. That’s why I call upon all who become the 2nd lover.

1. Imagine yourself in the 1st lover place, I hope the pain won’t kill you. It must be darn painful.

2. Imagine the life after marriage. You won’t be accepted so easily into the family after what you did and the 1st lover may do anything to see you down. Can you live in peace?

3. Out of humanity who has a heart. Even if you say you don’t believe in karma, it doesn’t mean it’s not happening.

So back out. You as the 2nd lover is the best person to save this situation.

Some things are decided by GOD. You can only do so much but the rest is not up to you. So do your part by not destroying as much as u don’t want to be destroyed. You made some damage but you can still fix things. A little sacrifice and tears, you will receive what you best deserve. So the best to be is DO NOT GET IN THIS MESS. Pull back if you think you are getting into one. You can pursue happiness without making some people cry. If so, no one gonna make you cry that way too. :)

Your New Identity Successfully Installed...

If you guys have been in chatrooms, you will understand this. Chatrooms (especially MIRC) has this power of creating “a whole new world” for the chatters. It’s where we are known by our nicknames and nothing else. You can just randomly picked any name for people to call you and then get active in the main window where everyone can see you chat, and then you create a history as you get well known to more chatters. IRC is where you can see politics, friendships, crushes, broken hearts and even sexual encounters and even rivalry. It is indeed another world. Seriously. Another world.

Some chatters even have a new life once they enter the chatroom. They fake their identity, they become the characters they are not and they speak the language they never speak, while the rest just play it honest..just be who they are as in real world. The capability of making chatrooms connect people from their fingers straight to their hearts – lead to many other outcomes that you can only guess. But when you want to know it for real, you have to experience it yourself. Some cyber encounters are only meant to stay in cyberworld and some really get to happen and be part of their realities. It’s interesting to be involved in another world of possibilities. People might say they don’t believe in IRC stuff, but for me who spend my time daily in the chatrooms, it’s a humiliation to say that I don’t actually believe a single thing about it. Oh come on. Save me some face here. *Lols.

After sometime, you have to leave the chatroom because you get busy with something new. Whether it’s studies, family and career, or you just purposely force yourself to leave because of some bitter experiences. After a while, for some reason, you feel like going back to that virtual world. Whether you gonna find the old friends back or not. But since you are using your nickname, they will only recognize you if you use the old nickname. Aha…read the topic. This is when some of you would appreciate this cyberworld freedom of being whoever you want when they choose to come back with A New Identity. Yes, A New Identity. It’s like a computer with an erased memory. You come back as a brand new person, a new nick and some other characters to further hide you from being recognized. I mean, if you ask me Why would people need a new identity?

Like the reasons I stated above, they just want to start a clean slate. Not wanting to open up old book, but they still want to be part of that community they was once in. They still want to join their favourite channels. So, they come back with a new nick and introduce themselves like they are newbies. From there, a new history is creating in progress. No more old stories that come in the picture. What you have to do is just fake some details , and maybe pictures too and create your new persona. With the power of assumptions, you can successfully install you New Identity. Viola!

This thing happens. If you come across some people who take this approach to restart their virtual life in the chatrooms – what should you do? Should you force them to tell who they are so you don’t have to act noob just to welcome a new person or will you just let them play their game how they want? I come across new personalities who have had history in the channels they join, and they want to start new. Being unknown and make new friends. They come across old friends too but they pretend not knowing them. For some reasons they know best, they have to do this for protect their personal interest. Are they wrong for having A New Identity? The answer is, No. Cyberworld is a world of freedom. Your mind and your fingers are the conductor of You. You are what you type. So knowing that you don’t have that choice in real life, why would you waste the chance that can benefit you? Whether it's a secret that you want to keep, a person that you want to get rid of – You surely can resort to A New Virtual Identity. Or you might just want to challenge yourself, not wanting to rely on your past, so you decide to Get Famous again with your new persona. Hahahaha. Interesting!

Well…Look…if I do come across people who want to start clean…of course I wonder what their old identitiy. What if they were one of those goodfriends that I thought I lost? What a waste that we have to start all over again just because the person decides to use new identity. I mean, can we just continue where we left? In the other hand, I DO understand why people come back with a New Identity, and they are under no obligation to tell everyone about their old identity that might bring prejudice for people who already know them. They would face the risk of people bringing out the old story and never let them be peace with a their comeback. I UNDERSTAND. I PERFECTLY UNDERSTAND :)

Want to know why I understand your situation? Because Twofivesix[256] is also My New Identity :) One day I will open this story but for now, if you ask me again…Yes I understand. And I will let you keep your secret.

We just want a peaceful life…doing good things and make ourselves as well as other people happy. Our identity shouldn’t get in the way. So go have a new one if it suits you. Trust me I understand :)