Do You Know Your Value?

I listened to a guyfriend arguing with someone on the phone. "He shouldn't say something bad about my work in front of my customers" The tune was rather harsh to come out from his mouth. I could feel the tension and anger. The next day I got to ask him, What's with the phonecall yesterday? Were you arguing with someone or what?

He told me that a friend complained about his work in front of his customers. The customers felt bad about it because they "had a second thought" whether or not this guyfriend really gave them the best service that they expected. But after hearing opinion from someone who is also in the same field (photography, that is), the customers told this guyfriend what the other person said. The guyfriend felt so upset that someone belittled him, looked down on him and his capability.

I told him a very useful knowledge that I learn from a motivational book.

"If you build your self-esteem on other people's approval, then it only take ONE bad comment and already you're down. But if you build your self esteem on yourself; that you believe in your strength regardless what people think about it, then people can say 100 bad things about you and you will still standing strong."

Ask yourself, do you need other people's good comment to think that you ARE really good in something?

You must understand, that Life is an Art – it's subjective. I can come to you and say that your hair sucks, but the other person says your hair is gorgeous. And have another 10 persons- you will be fed with different comments from different perspective. Some might say that your hair is too thick for your face, or long hair doesn't suit you – hell, people stop at nothing. You look at the mirror and ask yourself what do you think? Maybe it all that matters in the end. WHAT YOU FEEL about yourself.

The other day, a good guyfriend dropped by at my workplace. He used to be my bestfriend; the friend I discussed a lot of issues with. One thing about this guy, he's quite particular about things. The first encounter that we had years ago was that he thought I was someone to look up to. He admired many things about me. He officially admitted that he was really a fan of mine. I was flattered because he wasn't so generous with compliments. He likes to analyze people and criticize. That's him. So it's normal that when we occasionally meet, he always notices changes in me. He would complain if I gain weight, or when he saw pimples on my face, or if my hair is messy – he would say it straight. I hated it. I hated it when he comes and he always try to find something to complain about. The recent visit to my workplace was a bit different. He was happy to see me. And I was starting to talk like a train – trying to tell him many things about my plans. He smiled – I thought that he must miss my train-talk. The talk that can go on and on speaking of ideas and motivations that you don't always hear. He smiled. Despite knowing that he's a very judgmental person, I cared very little. I know that he might complain about my new haircolour that looked so striking, or maybe he complained about my shirt. But neither did I care about. Yes, maybe I gained some weight from the last time that we met, he complained about it. "[256], do you actually find pleasure in putting more weight, or what?" Hahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahhaah. Dammit. He pointed at the pictures that I put on the wall. "Look at those pics. If you maintain those weight like in the pictures, I think it's much better." I just laughed at him. I don't know why his opinions don't matter anymore. I mean, I DON'T CARE!!

Maybe I always have it in me. When people say something bad about myself, it made me feel down, but…I have to say sorry to them because still it doesn't change what I feel about myself. I don't know what's wrong with me. Even if people's bad comments can make me cry or sad, but still I DON'T buy them. I know deep inside that I am "something else". If they say I'm bad, I always know that I'm not that bad. If they say I'm good, I also know that maybe I'm not that good. But I know in the areas where I'm good in, yes I am good. And I don't ask people about that. I come a long way to realize my strength. You can't come to me and say something bad to me and make everything collapse in a second. No, no. You can't do that.

So maybe this is what the motivational books means about Building your self-esteem on yourself instead of on other people's approval. I think I'm a little bit there, if not completely there. So what my guyfriend thought about me gaining a little weight (for example) – is so so little to bring me down. It's just WEIGHT, people. Do you know MY VALUE as a human being? It's not on weight. I can keep gain a little or lose a little, but MY VALUE as human being is not affected. I can still feel very valuable because I still have the capabilities that I appreciate having. All these physical things are just a pinch of salt of who you are. But if you're handicapped inside, you can wear the fanciest gown, wear the most expensive make-ups and still it doesn't change your real value as your human being. That's why I don't worry so much what people say about my physical or anything they can see. If they say something bad, I just know that I'm better than that. If they say something really good, Uh-oh…Maybe I'm not that good yet but thanks, maybe one day I can be that good. Value is not what's physical. Someone can like you because he think you have a cute face, you have a nice body and all – but if that's all that you have, it's like an EMPTY can. And all those physicals are not there to stay. We need to have something else to put our value on. Now, don't you feel silly that you always care so much to be called beautiful, sexy, hot and all the bla bla bla – those values are vulnerable. They are not even a value at all. They are just – Add-ons.

I can't tell you what your value is – that's your job to find out :)

Stepping On Someone...Anyone?

Since 2 years ago, I put this as my mission. I won’t trouble anyone on my way to my dreams. Tell me I’m greedy. But I just want to claim the victory alone. Yeah, but semua org akan dapat kesenangan. Sia dapat what I want, and dorang pula tidak perlu disusahkan dalam proses itu. I mean, apalah guna membina satu istana di atas peluh orang lain? That’s the point. Sia cabar diri sia sampai ke tahap itu supaya JANGAN sampai orang lain yg susah gara2 sia mau capai impian sia. Kalau nda, teda guna sia pegi sekolah bertahun-tahun. Apa yang sia dapat? At least tunjukkan la yang kau memang sudah jadi orang yang betul2 orang. Ada otak mau pikir.

I still remember about a year ago, ada this office mau buka dekat dengan tempat kerja sia. The guy yang in-charged ni bukan main lagi – lukis pelan renovation, pakai software canggih2 and then bila start talking with me – dia jack2 dia punya boss yang kununnya ambil business bukan alang2. Semua paling kurang pun puluh2 ribu. Ok fine, good for them. Tapi satu kali dia mau call boss dia, dia tanya, “Eh, teda kredit o, buli pinjam telefon kau? Please la, penting ni. Kejap ja” Tekejut sia kejap. Cakap sampai ke negeri China sudah jauhnya, tapi rupanya mau call boss dia pun kena pinjam my phone. But ndapa, maybe dia mau jimat masa. Hehehe. And then, pelan yang canggih2 tu, bawa laptop canggih depan2 sia…Kasi tinguk how itu software boleh buat 3d punya renovation plan. Lepas tu, “Ala, sia mau print ba ni tapi teda printer kami. Boleh kau tulung print?” Benda2 kecil begitu sia tidak patut berkira la ba kan, but sia rasa “geli hati” sebab “something is not right” but I didn’t know what it was. Tidak apa, sia tell myself yang apa salahnya tolong menolong, lagipun dorang gonna be my neighbour juga. And then masa perabot sampai, that office masih renovation, teda tempat simpan tu perabot semua. That guy masuk my place and ukur…”I think macam muat tu perabot semua kami simpan sini sementara.” Sia tinguk ja that guy dengan no emotion. Dengan tiba2 sia rasa dia sudah menamakan diri dia sebagai sia punya rakan kongsi or anyone yang ada hak ke atas tempat kerja sia tu. Sia tidak tau mau ketawa ka, mau maki dia ka, or mau halau dia keluar. (Hahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahaha) I mean, sia betul2 tidak tau how to react sama ni stranger yang sia baru kenal beberapa hari itupun pasal dia yang selalu pegi menyibuk minta macam2. Sia cuma boleh geleng kepala ja tinguk. Dengan umur yang jauh lebih senior dari sia – sia nampak dia macam budak kecil yang belum berapa kenal dunia sebenar. Tapi ndapa. Sia tidak judge dia begitu cepat. I don’t think a guy that senior boleh jadi begitu naïve dan tidak pakai akal. And then, tidak cukup dengan tu, contractor yang buat kerja di ofis dorang tu, tidak ada kerusi. Then, “[256], buli pinjam kerusi extra kau? Kasi ja berapa yang kau ada.” (/me tahan geli hati). Ok, fine, sia kasi jugalah. And then tidak pandai kasi balik. Pun sia tidak complain. Banyak lagi benda lain sia mau buat selain daripada mau jaga itu kerusi. Tidak cukup dengan tu, hari2 mesti datang my place, untuk tengok – “Apa lagi sia buli pinjam dari kau ni ah?”

(HAHHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA)

Bila benda tu sudah keterlaluan, barulah sia terpikir. “This is TOO MUCH!!!!” Masa tu I think I have the right to be angry. Dulu masa tempat keja sia ni masih kosong dan baru mau move in, sepa berani cakap yang sia pernah susahkan dorang? Biarpun barang kecil2 mcm screwdriver or paku – semakin kecil semakin la sia mampu untuk beli sendiri. Even tukul, or whatever yang sia perlu – Jangan harap sia ada masa pegi tanya orang lagi sama ada dorang ada atau tidak tu alat. If you want telefon line, you pegi Telekom and register. If you want fax, buy a fax machine. Does it take a genius? Kita ni bukan di asrama or di sekolah lagi – semua benda u berharap sama orang sebelah katil or sebelah locker you. Cabaran dunia ni terlalu banyak – but kecil2 mcm tu pun u tidak boleh handle, apa lagi u boleh handle?

Ini yang sia rasa lucu dengan sikap segelintir manusia yang mau capai Utopia dengan memijak belakang orang lain. This isn’t about “Oh, kamu ni ambil masa sia ja, sikit2 mau minta tulung” or “Kamu nda buli beli sendiri ka tu benda. Murah ja ba tu” It isn’t about that. This is about ATTITUDE yg suka bergantung dan menyusahkan orang. If orang ada attitude begini, kalau dia buli suruh kamu tuang tu air minum pegi mulut dia, dia akan suruh!!! People like this find pleasure in being dependent dengan orang lain. Dorang tidak mau susah lebih sikit, or tidak mau usaha lebih sikit – kalau ada yang boleh disusahkan dulu, susahkah orang tu dulu, kalau betul2 tidak dapat, barulah TERPAKSA susahkan diri sendiri. Tapi impian mau jadi company yang berprestij. Sepa sangka, even pensel pemadam pun pinjam sebelah ofis. ATTITUDE ini betul2 tidak ngam. Sampaikan sia dekat2 mau teriak that guy, “Alang2 sudah kamu pinjam semua dan buat mcm rumah sendiri, are you sure you don’t want my job ka?” (HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA)

Sia cakap ni bukan suka2. Sia pun pernah kena cuci telinga cos sia pun pernah jadi mcm dorang dulu. “[256], u tidak boleh terlalu bergantung. Ini cuma cabaran kecil saja pun u tidak boleh handle? Ada betimbun lagi cabaran di luar sana.” Masa tu sia betul2 tertampar, but still sia tidak paham. NOW I understand sebab sia sudah sahut cabaran tu supaya jangan sampai ada orang yang berani lecture sia begitu lagi. Cukup satu kali malu. Bila u simpan impian mau jadi businessman yang berjaya, u mesti berani invest ba kan? U ada RM10 tapi mau make itu jadi RM1 million ka – dengan – “Alaa, apa2 hal semua buli minta pinjam ba tu sepa2 yang ada”. Doiii…sampai bila juga kamu mau mcm tu? Berpada-pada la ba sikit. Sia tidak kisah kalau ada satu kali u guys take advantage of my kindness, tapi sia kesian sama u guys in the long run kalau u tidak ubah. Cos sia cuma susah sekali saja kerana kamu, tapi kamu akan susah sampailah kamu sedar dan berubah!!

I know, in my situation sekarang, I have friends yang TRYING to use me untuk memudahkan diri sendiri. They do it courteously la juga…tidak mau terlalu ketara. But U THINK I’M STUPID ka? Kalau kawan2 lama sia or my relatives or family members tu lain cerita. We have “blood issues” with them, kita jangan terlalu berkira. But ini orang2 yang baru kenal sikit, sudah pikir “How to use her to get what I want?” Haa, u guys nampak my face smiling sweetly 24 jam u think u can step on me? Sometimes I enjoy it yang people judge us on first impression. Nampak sia ni nice sikit, mulalah naik minyak. Again – if you tidak ubah your approach…you won’t get there. Cos sooner or later people will get so sick and tired of being your stepping stone. It’s obvious that you guys belum nampak reality kehidupan ni. Orang lain teda masa mau rely on orang lain. Kalau buli buat tu bangunan KLCC dengan tangan sendiri, dorang sanggup buat. Cos orang yg ada mission teda masa mau tunggu orang lain untuk provide semua benda untuk kesenangan dorang. Sebab kalau bergantung dengan orang, itu orang terajun paya pun u pun terpaksa ikut sebab terlampau malas dan tidak mau berusaha. Ask yourself, Sampai bila???

"You Must Have A Bad Day"

You guys sedarkah about something about this life? Tidak kisah la you sudah buat sebaik mungkin, sudah buat planning and serba sistematik, disiplin yang sangat tinggi – boleh dikatakan u did your part dengan baik sekali – still…Tidak mungkin hari2 you hanya akan lucky, happy dan penuh dengan senyum dan gelak ketawa saja.

Biarpun you baik, peramah, suka tolong orang, suka bersedekah or jenis yang happy go lucky, TRUST ME, ada masanya yang YOU MUST HAVE A BAD DAY. Sia pernah do my little study on this. Masa sia happy with my life – sia experience every moment and tanya pada diri sia – How on earth, that life gonna punish me with a bad day after this?

The answer is this. Masa kita sedang happy2 dengan life kita, MESTI ada satu ruang dalam hidup kita yang muat2 untuk sekurang-kurangnya satu masalah. Dan masalah ini la yang akan menjadikan hidup kita ni bertukar mood. Daripada ketawa2 gembira, now start sudah dahi berkerut. Pening, sakit kepala dan tidak menentu. Sedar nda sedar – hati kita risau, resah dan sedih. "My life sucks" Aha…then kalau mau dikaji, Kenapa juga masalah ni buat hidup kita teruk? How? Teruk sangatkah masalah ni? Kenapa time kita happy, seolah-olah masalah tu tidak wujud? Kenapa mesti masalah tu datang dan mengubah kegembiraan dalam hati kita?

Then I made another and another study on this. I mean, my little study is analyzing life sia sendiri. Sia mau tau apa yang sebenarnya terjadi pada ups and downs hidup kita. Sia lalui that bad day hari ni. Fikiran bercelaru sebab ada tujuan yang belum terlaksana. Fikir pasal deadline yang sia kena settle semua benda. Imagine la sia cuma ada less than one week untuk settle something yang has to be good for the rest of the year. Memang sounds like something impossible. Mau pikir pasal budget lagi. Mau pikir pasal orang2 yang terlibat lagi. And at the same time, mau pikir pasal jaga air muka sendiri dan mau settle ni benda sendiri. Nah…apa tidak my head almost jam. Sampai SMS pun sia tidak terlayan. Lepas tu, datang lagi sorang kawan ni yang kerjanya asyik meminta something ja tidak habis2. Ada2 saja yang dimintanya, and though benda2 tu semua make money, she's asking everything for free. Lagilah sia tension orang ambil kesempatan atas kebaikan sia. Whoaaa…Today is officially a bad day!!! Jalan pun macam zombie ja ni. Mau cari satu idea yg buat hati senang - How to settle this problem???!!! Yes, itulah yang ada dalam kepala sia tadi bila sampai rumah. Dekat mau termenangis pun ada oo. Like so stuck in this problem. Haiyaa!!!

Well, itu yang sia rasa tadi. Imagine la diri kamu dalam situasi masalah kamu sendiri. Actually ini yg terjadi. Our mind ni juga punya kerja yang kasi pusing sana, pusing sini. Telampau pintar punya kepala otak. Lama2 pandai makan tuan. Hehehe. Sebab, it's all a mind game ja ba ni. Kalau teruk di fikiran kita, teruklah juga jadinya. Jadi apa yang akan tolong kita? Hear it from me. That's why kita mesti ada faith sama a greater power. Kita tau yang someone is taking care of us. Kita mesti percaya that our prayer is heard. Element2 luaran ni la yang actually give us extra strength to Think Outside The Box. Sebab time sia dera diri sia cari2 solution, belok sana belok sini, Akhirnya…sia boleh terpikir satu penyelesaian kepada masalah sia, tapi penyelesaian ni betul2 lari daripada yang pernah sia pikir sebelum tu. Wow…buli juga macam ni ah?

Rupanya INIlah dia penangan masalah kita tu. Kalau kita dikalahkan oleh masalah kita, bukan sebab Takdir, tapi kita yang tidak mau berjuang cari penyelesaian. Dalam kes sia tadi, ini melibatkan hal serius so sia paksa diri untuk squeeze that solution yang terbaik untuk diambil. Sebab selagi sia tidak jumpa something yang gives me that relief, memang sia akan terus terperangkap dalam kemurungan ini. I need to find the way out!!

So when I finally hit it – sia smiled and cakap pada diri sia – “Begini pula rasanya bila kita akhirnya dapat cari satu titik di mana kesusahan kita tidak akan menjatuhkah kita. Sebab Memang Betul, akan sentiasa ada cara untuk menyelesaikan masalah tu. Bodohlah kita kalau dikalahkan oleh masalah, sebab kerja masalah tu cuma untuk kasi asam garam dalam hidup, kasi sia pengalaman dan bagi lebih banyak exercise minda – to test us, How good you are now. Dia cuma kuis2 sikit pun, sudah kita melatah dan overreact. Imagine lah problems tu pandai cakap, mesti dia pun tekejut. Ouch, I didn’t mean to make you lose hope in your life. Imagine that? Tu masalah pun buli nangis o tengok kita jadi nda tentu arah gara2 dia cuma main gurau senda ja. So the point is… Guys, apa yang kita mau takut? Kita ada kehidupan. Kita ada kewarasan. Kita ada anggota badan yang cukup. Kita ada kekuatan. Kita ada kelebihan. Masalah ni apa la juga berbanding dengan apa yg kita ada. Jadi…masih mau give up? Answer that to yourself.

And bothered about a bad day? Kenapa mesti kita melatah pasal satu hari yang malang dan tidak menceriakan. Hari begini akan datang sekali sekala. Cuma sekali sekala. The rest of it, you can always choose to have A Good Day :) Apa buli buat sudah peraturan hidup tidak mau kita asyik tersenyum – sebab apa thrillnya hidup kalau asyik ketawa saja kan. Ada masa kita down, then guess what…pasal Bad Day yang datang sekali sekala ni la…kita lagi tau menghargai the next Good Day yang kita akan tempuhi. And hopefully that time, jangan lupa daratan. Hargai Good Day itu, cos somehow, someday, You Must Have A Bad Day again :)

Which Is Kitty?

Nahh...sepa yang nda tau sepa si Kitty, have to answer to Kitty itself ...I'm not responsible ah. Kamurang pandai2 la atur suaikenal kamurang that. (Hahaahahahahahahahahahahaha)

Note: Ntah apa2 la si [256] ni tau...hari tu Pikachu, ni ari Kitty... Eiiii...

[256]: :PPPP (Hahaahahahahaha)

Part II: Online Identity: WHY?

Continuation from Part I

And then, not long after that, someone else smashed me in public channel – the least that I expect this figure was also tired of seeing my secrecy? And said, At least you let me know your job ba. Why do you have to pretend? (That it not to mention that he said I shouldn't be too cunning and playful) – Suddenly something knocked me, I almost burst out laughing – I’m Under WHAT LAW that I must tell you my job? And Why people are sometimes TOO UPSET when certain people are not generous about their personal details? I mean, ASK YOURSELF “WHY” are you upset in the first place. If you are one of my relatives or the person that I walk the aisle with, you HAVE the right to be upset why you still don’t know my job or my last 4-digit IC number. But we are talking about the Freaking CYBER so called –virtual world here, people. Think again if it’s even right to react how you have reacted towards these anonymous figures.

And I should mention this earlier that, on Dec 2008, I received another phonecall coming from a person I know from virtual world, who was the first one who got access to me. Maybe he got too excited to show off to other chatters that he got what other chatters don't, so he said this “[256], We are going to go out.” I said, “What do you mean?” He said, “I’m going to Expose you, and also me for the chatters to see.” Then I said, “Why do you have to include me? I’m not part of you guys.” He said, “Yes [256], you’re one of us!” Then I said, “I’m not giving my permission. What, do you think this is a political association or something? We are just an IRC community here. Which law from which planet are you using? Enuff! If you want to expose yourself, go ahead. Don’t decide for other people.” I hate it when someone is using my friendship to show others that he's the hero. And then blackmail me something like "You make one wrong move, I'm going to expose you." Sheittt laaa! (Hahahahaha :PPP. Okay, I said that while I'm using pokemon mask. *Lols)

Suddenly this cyberworld is making another stress-demon for me. WHY? A recent chat that I had with a chatter who first knows me from my blog – said to me. “I’m not hiding [256]. It’s you who are hiding.” I don’t know why I feel that it’s not quite right. I said to him, Geez, why people think I’m hiding? Look, I had enough of this. Do you guys realize something?

It’s because of your freaking expectation that makes it look like I’m hiding. Do you see that??? Only when you expect TOO MUCH from me that you think I’m hiding. Only when you expect to KNOW EVERYTHING about me that you think I’m being secretive. It’s your right to feel “Oh, I wish she could open up more about herself” but you have no right to smash me that you want to know This Much and I only offer you That Much. I mean, you and your rights – me and my rights. Or is it only you who have rights?

Why people make it look like I’m doing something wrong because I’m using my freaking online identity? As far as I know, some people enjoy chatting with me, some people enjoy my blog, EVEN IF they only know me by my nick. Cos now you realize that in this virtual world, WHAT I can offer and share with you guys in the boundary of virtual world (that if, If I go offline, I’m back to reality) is ALL and THE BEST that this virtual world can give to us. We are here to have fun and rest from our reality stress. You don’t have to CARE or GET HURT why that stupid [256] is not sharing people her house address? Damn, care about your spouse or your in laws or your brother or your mistress or ANYONE you want – but don’t bother and spend sleepless nite BLAMING and CURSING me – damn that girl…At least she tell me her last name!!! I think she should go to hell for using such an irritating online identity!! Ouch, you guys didn't just curse at me, did you? (*Lols)

Come on…I’m trying to correct something. This isn’t just about me. I’m taking myself as an example only cos I think I have received the side impact of using online identity. As a matter of fact, I’m sorry to say that I am NOT that anonymous actually. Stop this hype as if I am a mystery to be discovered. Some people know my name and they have confirmed that whoever behind this nick [256] does exist. Don’t you guys feel guilty making me feel like I’m a cyber criminal? I am a real human too, ya know. I don’t have time to recreate another long list of DETAILS to mislead the people I know from cyberworld. You’ll be surprised that when you finally know me, you’ll realize that I hide very little about myself. Especially after I release this blog. I tell my real experience and the experiences of the people I know.

So if you come to me and complain, Why that chatter is telling others that her gender is a male? Look…If the person makes you believe that she’s a male and THAT’S IT, please stick to your day job, take care for your family or what to cook for dinner – don’t spend a freaking time worrying WHY? WHY? WHY? did she lie about her gender. *Lols. Unless you’re a girl and you fall in love with “her” after believing that she’s a male, cos she sounds so masculine and caring during the chat sessions, promises you the world – and makes you write down your dream on a paper that “I’m going to marry this guy and 1 year from now, we are going to have kids” …Aha, that’s when you should feel alarmed. Because the person is using her online identity to HURT and FOOL someone and stop someone’s life clock from ticking normally…Oh yeah, that one is different. I hope we have Cybercops to arrest her – Please don’t lie about your gender next time – maybe put behind virtual bars? or got hanged using virtual gallow?. Ahaa…ridiculous right? Maybe you people just have to be extra careful before you FALL for lies coming from this freedom that the unlimited virtual world offers us. Cos sorry to say – this is the risk that you face when you decide to be here.

On the contrary, if an online identity brings you NOTHING but smiles and laughters, why EXPECT more? If that online identity doesn’t disturb your life, why do you still feel disturbed? You get what I mean? And if you tell me, Can you expect anything from virtual world to switch to your reality? YES YOU CAN!! I mean, don’t forget that a cartoon character like Pikachu can’t be doing all the typing for this blog right? It has to be a real human, right? So behind an online identity, there is still a human being. So yes, anything reality can start from the virtual world. I believe that A LOT of people here have honesty to offer. They also won’t stop a virtual connection or chemistry from going to reality, but they don’t expect too much or they don’t force things to happen. Just let it happen on its own. One thing leads to another and if this is DESTINED, yes, we will thank this virtual world for letting us meet. But if you ask me, are Online Identity users are playing tricks, bluffs and lies? NO. This isn’t about which virtues they use, this is about HOW safe and comfortable they want to appear in this unpredictable world of internet.

Just RESPECT how they do it, people.

Especially when they don’t disturb your life.

Isn't life short enough to have time to stop having more and more fun because of small matters like this? So you know the answer. Respect each other and this world is going to be a much better place for us. :)

Online Identity or not, the person behind that Nick has a heart too. Remember that :)

Part I: Online Identity. WHY?

Believe it or not, if anyone should write about this, maybe I’m fit enough to do so. Actually I have written about this before but back then, it’s not the right time to publish it. Now I feel the needs to do so. I want to write a new one, very very spontaneous now, and hopefully to the point.

Cyberworld, a word of illusion to some people. It’s virtual and not reality. Now I am in my blog, a space where I put my writings for other people to see. The platform is in the virtual world. Something you can see, but you can’t touch. Most of my readers are also those who come to this so-called illusion world. It’s here people, that you and I first met. And here we are, still enjoying and appreciating what’s good that we can share together.

Meeting in virtual world gets more exciting when people who are strangers, got to talk in chatrooms. They are using many kinds of nicks, from cute to strange. IRC is fun because we can see the list of nicks and simply click which one we want to initiate chat with. We always do it randomly at first, and then we start to have preferences. We spot some nicks that has that “aura” and attraction to maybe know the chatter better. Yes you may. This is your right.
Let me talk about your OTHER right. You are under NO laws or regulation that YOU MUST identify yourself as who you are in your IC (as registered by NRD) so that other people know it’s you who are typing something. IRC/virtual world isn’t a political association where you MUST list all your details so the other members know who you are.

So whoever wants to go to virtual world, they use different kind of approach. Some of them use virtual world as “another part of reality” where they still talk and discuss things with the people they meet everyday. Some of them do it totally the opposite. They want to be half anonymous – let only the real life friends know who they are and let the strangers remain strangers. And the other kind is those who totally treat this world as “another world” who is a separate world from reality; where EVERYONE is anonymous. Even if he might come across his real life friends or family, he wants to still stay anonymous. Whichever they choose, can you deny their freedom? Or can others deny your freedom? If you say yes, then present us which acts are you referring to.

Back in 2008, a few months after I started chatting on IRC, I’ve been using this nick. I just picked this nick very randomly. It’s just lucky that this 3-digit hit me first and so – I just typed /nick Twofivesix[256] and then because I could just join the chatroom without people really care how long I parked there, I just felt like, Hey, I think I’m gonna register this nick. My mind was THAT simple, my dear friends. If you think that I already sketched a plot how I would do it in 3 years in cyberworld – you are WRONG. Nothing is ever planned. Trust me I have better things to do.

I first came as a real flirt in the chatroom. I just enjoyed having fun with creative conversation and dragging more and more people to talk about a topic and have a good time laughing. Exactly why I came to the virtual world, in the first place. But then, the more familiar I become, the more personal it is for some people who think that they want to know me more. Then lesser that I care about it, the more curious these people become. Then some of the have made the moves to start digging Who is that Twofivesix[256]. I wasn’t that “strict” with my online identity policy actually. I told you I didn’t plan this at all. I do what's cool. Finally someone from the virtual world got my phone number and speak to me on the phone.

Twofivesix[256], Give me Your Freaking Picture!!! Maybe too tired of waiting, finally someone blurted it out. So fine, I actually MMSed my pic to the person and guess what, he told me he could have won a bet over my picture. And not enough with that, someone violated the law by digging my full name and IC number using my mobile number from some insiders of the telco company which service I use – just to check if this Twofivesix[256] is real or she’s just bluffing about her details? Thanks, cos the person proves that what I told him was all truth. He had to say “Sorry [256], I doubted you.” What do you guys think I would feel?

...to be continued in PART II

But The Friendster Said So!!

Ini lah kalau sudah wujud macam2 method untuk buat networking. Social sites macam Friendster and Facebook – memang menarik. Schoolmates lama2 pun you boleh track. The last time I browse Friendster memang cukup interesting. All my seniors pun sia dapat track balik. Cuma since I don't have the account, I just browse and tumpang tengok saja without link to their page. Cukup untuk sia tau update dorang and dapat tengok pictures yang dorang put public. Sudah sangat2 interesting for me. Since I don't have an account, dorang tidak dapat tau yang sia ada visit page dorang. So you never know berapa orang yg visit your page and actually read what you wrote and see the picturesthat you put there. You never know how much they are BUYING what they see and read!!! Hahahahaha.

Cerita ni pasal sorang kawan rapat sia juga. Dia ni pun a busy person. Time cuti baru dapat lepak2. Tapi dalam dia busy2 tu, dia pun actually berminat mau tau perkembangan kawan2 kami yg lain – biarpun kawan tu kami nda la biasa sangat, tapi berminat juga mau tau apa cerita terbaru. But dia pun mcm sia juga. Most of our other friends yang we tiada contact number dorang, we just rely on what we see on page Friendster dorang. We particularly talked about this female friend, who got married to another friend juga. But their relationship happened after graduation so we saw their wedding pictures pun dari website juga. "Ohh so betul la si anu ni sudah kawin sama si anu." Something like that. Sempat juga kami tengok her Friendster page from my office.

The next time we met and lepak makan2, she said to me, "Ui, si anu tu sudah divorce ka apa o?" Then I said, "What?? Betul ba ni?" Then she said, "Cuba kau tinguk tu Friendster dia, teda sudah tu pic kawin dia semua. Semua pic dia sorang ja. And then, dia tulis status dia "Single". Then sia pun tekejut la. Baru jua kawin then cerai. Nda best pula dengar. But source dia tu cuma the Friendster page ba. Buli pecaya ka?

Then kawan sia ni actually sudah start percaya the rumour yang dia create sendiri JUST BY looking at the Friendster page. I don't know berapa ramai kawan yang dia sudah cakap benda tu yang kununnya that female friend is divorced. Or at least, maybe dia tanya that question to them, "Dorang sudah ceraikah?"

Until one day that we keluar lepak again, this time ada my bestfriend ikut. Husband kepada perempuan yang dikhuatiri sudah divorce tu (according to her Friendster page – "Single" status) adalah sepupu jauh dengan my bestfriend. So again my other friend ni brought up the matter. "Dorang sudah cerai kah tu?" Then my bestfriend terus mencelah. "Ui gila ka cerai. Urang ada anak satu sudah woo." Tebesar terus mata kami. Punyalahh. All this while kami almost thought dia sudah cerai sedangkan rupanya semakin bahagia. Sampat lagi sia tinguk my other friend tu and said, "Nah tu la…jan kau pecaya sangat tu Friendster. Ntah apa2 yang dorang simpan sana. Bukan betul pun." Hahahaahahahahahaha.

Pernah juga dulu masa tu I made friend with this guy from IRC. Memang suka gurau2 with him and flirt2 sikit juga masa tu. But we never really be serious about our personal details. I remember yang he pernah kurik2 juga if I already have someone or not. And the way he said things, as if he doesn't have anyone yet. He told me about a bitter breakup yang masih buat dia serik. I heard gossips from other chatters yang this guy already has a girlfriend. But hairan juga. Time kami chat, he never shows any sign yang any girl matters anything to him. So I visited his Friendster page, I saw that he put his status "In a relationship." I told my big bro. "How come he didn't tell me he has a girlfriend already oh? Teruk o like that." My big bro learnt that I saw it from the Friendster page. "Jangan la pecaya tu Friendster tu." I said, "But why he put like that if tidak betul?" Then si Jojon cakap, "Cuba kau pi tinguk Friendster sia. Lagi dasyat. Bukan buli pecaya sangat ba tu Friendster tu" Hahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Pandai tul dia memujuk litol sista dia kan. Mimang ba itu ulal tu. *Lols.

But I come to learn that memang betul the guy is in a relationship, biarpun sampai sekarang he never actually mengaku with me. Bukan sebab sia percaya sangat tu Friendster, but memang ada source lain yang lagi kukuh. Kalau setakat dengan Friendster, with a click saja pun you boleh mislead orang. So Choose NOT to get misled by Friendster la if dalam hal2 relationship ni. Sebab KALAU LAH relationship itu semudah "click!" sekali ja, lain cerita lah.

Smbg sikit cerita yang awal2 tadi. Then my bestfriend told us about beberapa couple yang dia kenal. These real life couples ARE NOT that friendly dalam Facebook dorang. Di facebook they look like enemies, tapi di luar sebenarnya dorang mcm belangkas. I mean, the point is – Adakah you will tell everything about your life in these social sites that you're taking part in? Or do you have the time to update everything, what's going on with your life? I think most people do this page because they want to be in the circle of networking and learn about other people, when they don't usually offer that much about themselves. They still want only the people who know them in person to know the real story about them. But untuk yang belum berapa paham how it works, nahh, jadilah macam2 assumption itu ini – Lagi bagus mcm ni saja la…Apa2 hal macam ni, just take it easy. The truth is the truth. Not even a freaking Friendster/Facebook page can change it. Not with a single click, No No. Hehehehe. So? Just take it easy with these social sites. Want to know the truth, just get it straight from the owner of the body. Fair enough. Hehe

NOTE: I do believe anyway that some people are transparent enough about themselves and their lives in these social sites. It doesn't matter how you guys do it, as long as everyone is having fun, and everyone is doing it for a good intention. Yeah, thanks for reminding me that I don't have any account on those sites. Thank you. Hahahahaahahahahahahahahahaha.

The One Who Gives You Life Or make You Stay Alive?

This is nothing new.

Bukan semua orang bertuah macam kita yang dipelihara oleh mama bapa kandung kita sendiri. I have friends yang lived with grandma dorang, or saudara mara dorang, atas sebarang reason yg menyebabkan parents dorang can't take care of them. Tidak kisah lah ada reason apa, whether or not it is atas kerelaan parents dorang atau tidak. But when benda2 ni terjadi…akan ada beberapa isu serious yang akan timbul.

First is – Emotion of the kid. Second is – The kind of life yang dia akan dapat jika berada di bawah jagaan orang lain and Third is – The things that the kid misses when he doesn't get to grow up with his real parents. – At least, those things come to my head spontaneously. I know I never do deeper studies on this but let's hear what I have to say dengan cuba untuk menyelami apa yang dirasai oleh mereka2 yang melalui ini.

Teda sepa dapat jamin bahawa our parents can give us the best life that anyone could offer to us. Secara fakta – bukan semua orang berada dalam financial situation yang selesa to afford anything they wish to. Some people they have so much to offer, but they don't have anyone to offer it to. Sedangkan parents yang susah dan anak pula ramai, memang tidak dapat provide sebaiknya untuk anak2 dorang. Ada pula parents yang memang mempunyai tuntutan hidup yang berbeza sampaikan anak tu bukan priority dorang. You never know. Ada macam2 reason why the parents tidak boleh jaga anak dorang. Then, syukur lah kalau ada orang yang take the kid and bring him up. Jaga makan pakai dia dan ajar dia macamana mau jadi orang.

Kalau Tuhan panjangkan umur, sedar tidak sedar…anak tu pun membesar macam anak orang lain juga. Ada pendidikan, ada perwatakan tersendiri dan sebagainya. Dalam ertikata lain – orang mungkin tidak perasan pun yang anak tu sebenarnya dibesarkan oleh orang lain. So apa bezanya?

Tapi siapa sangka – perkara yang bertahun-tahun tidak diungkit langsung…suddenly timbul pula selepas bertahun-tahun. Isu – Who's the biological parents suddenly diungkit dan What If…selepas bertahun-tahun…the real parents come in the picture and mula mencari balik hak dorang. "He's our son. He should be with us." And lebih dramatik kalau ditambah dengan ayat macam gini, "We don't get to raise him. We hope that we can still spend the rest of our lives as a family. He belongs with us. Don't ruin this family bonding that we have. Don't separate us anymore."

What do you feel now?

Banyak drama yang sia tengok yang bring forward issue ni – Dan confirm ada adegan air mata yang menyayat hati. Apa lagi kalau si penjaga ni tidak dapat berpisah dengan anak yang dia jaga tu gara2 parents sebenar datang menuntut hak. Apa lagi kalau diselitkan dengan macamana payahnya si penjaga kasi besar tu anak dari dia kecil lagi. Dalam kes tertentu, hidup si penjaga tu bukannya senang pun. Tapi sebab keikhlasan dia mau besarkan anak tu, susah pun dia harung juga. Sampaikan orang cakap, ibu bapa dia sendiri pun Belum Tentu lagi akan buat pengorbanan macam tu. So bila kasih sayang dan ikatan sudah dibina – tiba2 pula ada orang mau ambil tu anak balik dengan alasan paling kukuh di dunia – "I'm the one who give birth to him" Ya…perkataan "give birth" tu memang sangat strong. Imagine la mom dia kandung dia 9 bulan dalam perut, and kasi lahir dia dekat2 tercabut nyawa sendiri. Can you deny her right on the child?

Silap2, tajuk yang sia buat tu automatik tidak relevan. No question asked. Memang clearly The one who gives birth yang layak ke atas anak tu. It doesn't matter what the child thinks. It doesn't matter how, what, when, where, with what and so on…Nothing beats the bonding between a mom and a child. That's the general idea. So, can this one always be true?

If benda ni berlaku bila dia child sudah dewasa, I think the child Knows Better. Biarpun darah yang mengalir dalam badan dia tu adalah milik orang yang lahirkan dia, tapi bukan orang itu yang besarkan dia. Apa lagi kalau sebab parents dia tidak besarkan atas reason yang Selfish – like… "We were not ready yet to have a child" or "We have to achieve something first before we can give you a good life". Mungkin si anak akan lebih arif dan tau menilai siapa yang lebih berjasa dalam hidup dia.

Teda sepa cakap melahirkan anak tu senang, tapi lagilah teda sepa akan berani cakap yang membesarkan seorang anak tu sampai dia betul2 jadi orang tu senang. Cos memang pun susah!! Ingat saja macamana susahnya parents kita kasi besar kita. Kalau dorang nda sayang dengan kita, JANGAN HARAP dorang mau buat semua tu. Bila kita sakit, bila kita dilanda kemalangan kecil - silap2 dekat terbang nyawa dorang sebab kebimbangan. Pikir senangkah? Tapi itu semua memang diduga sebab dorang adalah parents kita. Imagine betapa besar hati orang yang membesarkan anak orang lain biarpun bukan darah daging sendiri.

If you want to know my answer – Bagi sia the real responsibility is to RAISE the kid. Di sini baru lah u tau sama ada u sendiri menghargai 9 bulan yang u spent dan kesakitan melahirkan anak tu – sebab if you lalui tu semua tapi u "SURRENDER" mau kasi besar dia, I don't think you still own that highest place in this little hierarchy. Suddenly proses 9 bulan itu jadi satu proses yang mampu dilalui oleh lebih ramai perempuan berbanding dengan proses untuk menjadikan anak yang dilahirkan itu seorang manusia yang betul2 manusia.

So if you are in this situation … Even if you think you have enough reason to reunite with your real parents, Jangan sekali2 kamurang lupa jasa tu orang yg kasi besar kamu. Apa lagi bila kamu jadi orang yang berkebolehan, berwawasan dan tau menilai kehidupan. Bagi sia, jasa orang yg membesarkan kita tu memang kita nda terbalas. Hanya Tuhan ja yang dapat balas.

Note: Tiba2 sia teringat bila orang cakap, To achieve something is not the hardest. How to pertahankan achievement tu yang paling susah. Maybe the concept is the same :)

Finally The Heel Finds Its Own Match

Remember the other day when I received a phonecall from my other phone just because I accidentally kicked on it while it was in the handbag?

Just now, I did something to prove that I was going nutty or what? I actually wore different type of heels each foot, OoooMiGawdddd!!!

Hahahaahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahaha

I have 2 types of high heels laying on the floor where I work. I often take off my shoes because I want some comfort while working. So today is another day, but to prove my level of insanity, (*Lols) I went out walking using the heels that I let my feet do the job without the help of my eyes. I Trusted my Feet, you people. Anything wrong with that? Hahahahahaahahahahahhaahahaha. I mean, while I was going out from the building, I felt so comfortable walking. My two high-heels are very different. One type has the string, one doesn’t. But their height is the same. I didn’t actually notice it.

So you guys imagine that I walked with different kind of heels. Not that I care or think that people care enough to look down and see the different colour. I mean, Wow…you must be my big fan to do something like that. *Lols. But I was now prejudice with my level of Sanity. Hahahaahahahahahaahahahahahahaa. I’m kidding.

The other one is red, the other one is silver…can I hope that nobody sensed anything so strikingly different underneath? *Lols.

Omigawd Twofivesix[256], to need a therapy or what? Get your senses back together for haven’s sake!!!

Note: I remember the day when I wore my blouse inside out back in college years. I mean, what…this thing has been going on forever? Freaking kidding me!! Hahahahahahaah…Kidding peeps. I don’t hope for more funny scenes that I cause all by myself. Please [256]. Not again okay? Hehehehehehe.

Muahss all.

NOTE: Yes, the ladies are from the gameword characters. They are pretty, I don’t mind. Hehehehe.

"...To Be A Better Man"

Tu apa hal lagi benda kuning tu trip masuk gambar tuu? Eiii...ada2 ja dia tu. *Lols
 

You guys know my adik kesayangan kan? My youngest brother. It's not fair pula if you guys think that since he's my youngest brother, then terus automatik jadi my adik kesayangan. That's not true. This kid memang betul2 deserve jadi my kesayangan. Sebab dia memang adorable. Dia ni tidak attend tadika sebab terlampau staring. Suka2 ja dia request dengan my mom dia nda mau masuk tadika, terus kena dengar kunu ba. My mom cakap otak dia ni sharp so that's why my mom dengar ja cakap tu budak kici tu. (Padahal sekarang besar sudah ba dia ni Hahahahaha) 

Tapi memang maybe cos otak dia tu terlampau sharp la, dia kreatif betul. Pantang dengar apa2 lagu, when dia tidak dapat tangkap lirik that song, dia pandai2 pi buat lirik sendiri. Selamba ja dia ni. Terkena lagi dengan kakak yang kuat ketawa macam sia, apa lagiii... mimang riuh rendah la alam semesta ni kan. Hehehehehe. 

Sia masih ingat, sudahlah sia kekiutan tinguk muka dia, and then suka lagi buat lawak macam2, padahal masih kici ba dia tu masa. Lagu2 hit masa tu adalah macam lagu Vengaboys yang Boom. Tu pun kena juga oleh dia. Kan lagu tu punya lirik "Boom boom boom boom, I want you in my room" Tapi dia tukar pegi "...I want to sweep the room" sambil2 dia pegang penyapu. Berabis sia ketawa. 

Dan sia ingat masa tu, katun Pokemon tu memang femes. Mimang adik sia nda miss tengok ni pokemon. Masa tu, sia nda berapa paham sangat pokemon ni apa barang. Nampak mcm monster2 berlawan. Tapi that pikachu memang kiut gila. Hehehehe. I think my bro ni memang obsess dengan katun pokemon tu.
And another lagu hit yang selalu kena main is lagu Robbie Williams - A Better Man. Sia nda suka sangat lagu ni, balik2 dengar. Lama2 sia layan la juga. Mimang feeling jugalah si Robbie Williams nyanyi that song. Jiwang habis. Memang sah la dia ni memang mau jadi A Better Man mengikut tajuk lagu dia tu, iaitu seorang lelaki yang lebih baik dari dulu. Kira sampai jua laa meaning lagu dia tu. 

Sampailah satu hari tu, layan lagu tu lagi di radio... "Send someone to love me...I need to rest in arms...Bla Bla Bla si Robbie nyanyi. Yang we know, confirm climax that song is, dia akan nyanyi, "To be a better man." Tiba2 ada satu suara yang lagi kuat ni pigi lapis tu suara si Robbie, iaitu si budak kici tu. Tapi lain... Selamba ja dia nyanyi... "To be a Pokemon"...

 

Punya pecah ketawa sia sebab penat2 c Robbie nyanyi mendayu-dayu dari awal, merayu2 dan memujuk2... Rupanya mission dia adalah hanya untuk menjadi seorang Pokemon ba guys...Apa nda dekat gila sia ketawa dengan idea adik sia yg nda abis2 ni. Hahahahahaahahahahaha.
 

Kalau ya pun kesukaan betul dengan katun pokemon tu, sampaikan berangan-angan mau jadi pokemon, janganlah sampai urg pun dikasi jangkit juga. Nasib la kau Robbie Williams...nda pasal2 kau berhajat menjadi pokemon ahhh...kau akur ja la dengan ubahsuai lagu kau tu ahh...
 

(HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA)

Note: Layan ja la si [256] punya lawak ni ahh...kalau nda pun, biar dia tawa sana sorang2. *Lols

"Special Treatment"

You guys tau kah antara sedar atau tidak, kita ni sebenarnya sentiasa mengamalkan double standards? Kununnya kita ni sangatlah mengecam tindakan boss kita yang "pilih bulu" dengan bagi layan istimewa untuk workmates kamu yang tertentu, sedangkan sebenarnya mungkinkah perkara ni satu tindakan luar sedar yang each of us buat?

Sia terpikir topic ni after a lady who worked next door my office greeted me dengan bunyi yang sangat sopan sekali. Time kerja, I could hear her voice from my office. Dia ni mulut mcm loose canon sikit. Tidak tapis2 bahasa. Daripada "Kenapa juga kau pigang2 punggung sia ni, kau pikir masih virgin ka ni?" sampailah kepada, "Rimas sia tinguk muka kau ni tau." Haa, benda2 tu yang sia dengar keluar daripada mulut dia. Memang laser abis. Tapi laser dia ni kadang2 melucukan. Orang2 sekeliling dia kadang2 jadikan mulut laser dia tu sebagai hiburan. Kadang2 sia pun ketawa juga dengar percakapan dia tu. Hehehehehe.

Sia ni tidaklah boleh dilabelkan sebagai Friendly sama orang2 keliling sia, apa lagi kalau setakat main limpas2 saja. I always mind my own business so bila sia tau perangai thatl ady macam tu, sia lagilah don't want to have anything to do with her. I don't like orang mulut laser yang suka sakitkan hati orang. Mulut laser main sindir2 macam sia selalu buat tu (lain ceritalah…) *Lols. But that lady always treats me differently. Bila dia datang and tanya2 sia tentang hal tertentu, dia sangat rational dan tidak cakap nda tentu2. Macam dia jaga betul percakapan dia. Sampaikan sia pun tinguk dia lain macam, "Dia ni ok ka?" Hahahahaahahahahaha. Well, thankful juga la cos I don't have to deal with mulut laser yang tidak bertempat.

I still remember dulu time college years. Ada sorang budak ni, which was one of my ex- schoolmates from secondary school. Dalam banyak2 geng budak samseng, dia ni antara yang "digeruni" oleh kawan2 baru sia, sebab biarpun dia tu kecil, tapi brutal sikit. Memang terkenal dengan kesamsengan dia yang suka break the rules. Padahal muka bukan main kiut lagi. Mungkin the fact yang dia ni anak orang kaya, yang menyebabkan dia ada satu gaya yang menunjukkan her so-called status. Dia ni pernah satu bilik dengan sia dulu, but tidak lama. Cos she got expelled from school cos masalah disiplin. Memang tidak percaya. "Jahat betulkah dia?" Sia masih ingat, sia ni selalu pasang my small radio biarpun masa tidur. Then masa sleeptime to, my other roommates bercakap, "Buli kamu tulung diam ka? Sia mau tidur ni." She said to them. Sia pun kasi palan my radio (tapi tatap don't want to turn it off ba kan…hahaahahaha) Then she said, "[256], bukan kau. Sia cakap sama dorang ja tu. Kau pasang la tu radio." Yup, she said that. Mesti my other roommates pun heran. But I never really thought about it. That was during secondary school.

Time our first year in college, after my new friends kenal dia ni sebagai satu figure yang "dorang mau elak kalau boleh" (*Lols), then one day, kami just duduk2 masa petang time riadah. Geng2 dia ni datang la join kami. Bagi sia ok ja, but my other friends start rasa nda selesa. She sat beside me and we started talking macam biasa. Sepa sangka, kawan2 sia yg lain terasa gerun tinguk kami bercakap. Cos they thought sia akan kena maki or what oleh that girl. After we talked, my bestfriend came to me and said, "Wow, dia cakap bagus2 o sama kau kan?" Then I said, "Aiks, jadi mau cakap macamana lagi?" Then she said that she thought that girl akan brutal sama semua orang. Rupanya tidak. Well, mungkin ini tindakan refleks or what?

Macam juga dalam family. Ada yang your mom or dad akan treat lebih special dari yang lain. Sama juga dengan adik beradik. Ada yang dorang akan lebihkan daripada yang lain. Persoalan yg timbul adalah…Kenapa kita treat orang tertentu lebih baik daripada yang lain? Dalam kes yang sia pernah lalui, sia tidak pun mempunyai kepentingan dalam hidup orang2 tu. Like my friend yang brutal tu, she gains nothing from treating me nicely. I wasn't in her league at all and she always knows that. Or is there something about how we bring ourselves that we get special treatments from certain people?

I think memang we have this intuition how we evaluate people, and how we think they deserve to be treated. Maybe kita pun tidak tau yang our mind process the evaluation like that. Biarpun sia ni banyak cakap and suka buat joke nda tentu2, tapi my bestfriend yang selalu kena "Gete oo ni perempuan" oleh sorang lagi kawan baik kami yang owez lepak together. Sampaikan lain sudah muka bestfriend sia tu. Sedangkan me and my bestfriend pun lebih kurang juga tahap kegilaannya. *Lols. Kadang2 sia pun tersedar juga. Tapi ada juga people who treat me a little worse than they treat others. So I think penilaian orang ni tidak sama. So what we can do from here is…if we want to get other people's respect, maybe the key is only one. Respect them and treat them the best and when they get it, they will appreciate it by returning the same respect. If we still don't get the treatment we think we deserve, then there's very little we can do. Bottomline is, asal kita jangan saja2 mau jahat dengan orang lain pun cukup sudah tu.

But jangan silap. Getting someone's respect doesn't mean that you let them step on your back. Itu lain cerita. I've been there too. Silap2…pasal sia sudah lalui tu semua la then only I learnt how to earn people's respect dengan cara yang betul. Actually, I didn't try so hard juga. Tapi if Special treatment ni berpihak kepada diri kita, it's actually a boost kepada self-esteem kita. Baru kita sedar yang dalam kita sibuk mengutuk diri sendiri, orang lain pun tidak kutuk kita seteruk tu. So maybe we can use that untuk lebih menghargai diri sendiri. Yes, memang ngam advice tu untuk diri sia sendiri. Sia rasa sia pun belum cukup sayang diri sendiri lagi ni. Hehehehe. Well, baguslah if orang lain ble help me make me see myself more worthy kan :) Memang menarik betul bonding sesama manusia ni kan guys...

Hope we have everything to gain from it! :)

A New Year Gift From Me, Finally!!!

CLICK ON IT TO DOWNLOAD AND PRINT IT ALL YOU LIKE! :)

Hahahaahahaha. I know I'm late!!!!!!

Hi Peeps…I'm late for..what, 17 days ? Hahahaahahhaa. Better late than never, right? I know that the last time, I made a more exciting calendar – But I have to upset the likes or my bro cos I know he's waiting for the sexy chicks to come out again in this year's calendar. But I changed my mind because the sexy chicks are too exciting and not in line with my focus and situation this year. *Lols. I mean, this year is a beginning of many things for me, so I need something simpler and to the point. I need something that gives me focus and inspiration…But still, I spend so little time on it, so I just hope anybody would still like this one.

Yes, this year, a lot of new things will take place in my life. At least in my job, I'm very sure. Something that I never anticipate 2 years ago. And the next 2 weeks is going to be busy and important for the rest of the months in this year. I don't know what to say. I need a LOT of luck!

Please like this gift, okay? *giggles. Muahssss all.

NOTE: The calendar is put in zip format so you guys can have a better printout. Any problem, please write down, okay. Thanks.

"The Dirty Pants"

I remember when I was much younger, accidentally kicking something that made me slip to the floor could be a very embarrassing experience. I would blush and hide myself – surviving that humiliation. Ouch? How terrifying could it be to actually slip on the floor and knock yourself down?

I hope I don't have to answer why I'm into high-heels, but I'm into those and it's not anything abnormal. Do I have the time to worry about what I wear on my feet, Anymore? I mean, the girls are sometimes too fussy over the petty things like – Oh, I'm wearing a pink dress, I must find a pair of cute heels with pink ribbons. Yeah, but maybe those days are going to be over someday too… for them, for anybody for that matter. Well, I realize that I'm not anymore into "the best matching" of what I wear on my body and what on my feet. I mean, is it even worth it to fuss over small matters? Or was it just me?

With serious matters that we have in mind now, I'm sure that we gradually letting go one by one the matters that were once bothering us. Yeah, finally we can tell which one is petty and with one is important. More and more responsibilities and commitments are claiming rights over our mind. Suddenly, we don't care so much about the little things anymore. I will tell you this experience of "The Dirty Pants".

I went out from a supermarket and I was on my way to the opposite road. I remember that I had to walk on a bumpy, stony undone road, which clearly needs extra alert especially for someone like me who cannot go without my high-heels. But I think that the stony road was just nothing. Why would I care that much, it's just a bumpy road that I had to walk a few steps and that's about it," as my mind would say. My hands were busy looking for something in my handbag, I was looking for my handphone, about to call my mom. It happens a lot when I could not find a freaking anything in my handphone whenever I need it! Omigawd! So I was re-acting the normal view of digging into my handbag looking for a hidden treasure that is nowhere to be found. Dammit. I needed to make that call to tell my mom that I was done shopping. And as I was on it, my feet haven't stopped walking, and did I say I care about the bumpy small road? *Lols. My heels actually slipped while I was stepping on a stone or maybe anything I didn't have time to examine, but enough to make me lose my balance and landed my knee on the ground. Wearing the pants that are very close to white, the knock down caused some dirt on my pants and it could clearly be seen in that colour. You guys know what I did? My hands kept digging into my handbag and it didn't change a little even when after the slipping incident taken place. A guy who was sitting not far from there saw it and he made that look, "Omigawddd!" Yeah, something like that. If he's allowed to say more, he might say, "Why didn't you be a little more careful?" Hehehe. Oh well, his face explained it all. *Lols.

That looks in his face tells me that he thought it was a terrible incident for someone to slip on that bumpy road and got her pants dirtied. I just got up and turned my face to him and smile, "Hahaha, Ouch! Sorry that it happened." I glanced very quickly to my pants and saw the dirt on the knee. "Nevermind." The guy, still with that panicked looks, told me, "See your pants got dirty". I smiled at him and said, "Don't worry about my pants." And then I just kept looking for my handphone and finally found it and made that call. Without even care to wipe the dirt from my pants. I just walked and managed to cover it with the jacket that I was holding. The view of the man made me smiled. He took it more seriously that I did. It was my pants who got dirt on, not his. It was me who slipped, not him. But it's about how you see things, you get me?

To me, it's just a small matter. I slipped, my pants got dirty, so what? I think my detergent can take care of that dirt. It will be clean again the next time I wear it. We have more serious matters in hands, remember? But actually, I was surprised too with myself. Because you guys should know that I do care about the small things. But this incident tells me that I have evolved to something else too. I don't believe that I go through day by day without taking something and put it to heart. I don't believe that I survive difficulties without learning something. I don't believe seeing life in its truer form, as I age, don't turn me into a better person. And that dirty pants incident tells me that I can't be the same person I was 5 years ago. This is the new me. I can stop and still care about the teddybear that got abused by the tailors next door but I can't spend another hour grieving on what's gonna happen on the teddybear if the abuse continues. (Hahahaahahahahahahahahahahaha Kidding guys.)

Let's worry on more serious stuff, ok guys? So dirty pants? Say Bring it on, bebeh. *Lols

The Sulky One

I'm sure semua orang pernah merajuk. Just that, bukan semua orang mudah merajuk, tidak macam sesetengah orang yang sikit2 pun merajuk. Silap sikit pun merajuk, apa lagi silap banyak...bagus nda payah cakap.

But apa actually di dalam hati orang yang merajuk ni? Adakah dia ni memang seorang yang kebudak-budakan? Tidak matang? Or memang pun tindakan pihak yang satu lagi tu memang tidak wajar sampaikan di kawan satu ni memang patut merajuk?

First...bagus kita define dulu apa yang dikatakan dengan merajuk. In English, it's called Sulk/Sulking. Entah kenapa definition yang datang dalam kepala sia sekarang ni adalah --- Merajuk is an act of Protest.

Protest - because you want to let the other person know that you dislike or disagree sama apa yang dia baru buat terhadap kau.

Why should you protest? Because you want to DEFEND your rights. Bila kau tau kau berhak menerima layanan yang lebih baik dari pihak yg satu lagi but you didn't get it, so you Merajuk untuk menunjukkan protest yang memberikan signal kepada pihak yang satu tu bahawa he/she just did something wrong to you and they should do something to make things right.

I would say that Merajuk is an expression, yang mengandungi tension yg bersifat emotional. Like, jiwa kau bergolak tidak puas hati, tapi secara zahirnya, adakalanya kau tidak mampu cakap apa2. Kau cuma buat muka masam sebab you want the other person to at least, SEDAR apa yang dia telah buat yang membuatkan emosi kau terganggu. Adakalanya, merajuk yang tidak bercakap apa2 ni lagi bisa sebab you leave the other person clueless, What's going on? And the person has to squeeze his brains to see, Where didI go wrong? Well, sometimes people did in unintentionally. Nda pasal2 ja si dia merajuk. Aiks, apa hal ni?

Well, Why perlu merajuk? Like I said, I think Merajuk tu perlu dalam satu hubungan. It's like a warning signal to the other person that he/she just did something you dislike and that they should find the way to correct it. This way, you actually DEMAND to get the attention that you deserve and most important, RESPECT. In one way, you think that the other person violate something that makes you think you are less respected, and he/she MUST make amend before things get normal again.

I tried to find the reason behind being sulky. I remember that I was my daddy's girl when I was a kid. I still remember those moments when I woke up from sleep and found out that I was alone, I MUST cry so loud and I could expect my dad would come and get me. Oh yeah, that was me. *Grinzz... Hahahahahahahaha. I was speaking about my kid version, why should I feel ashamed?

I especially remember this one time when some relatives came to visit, and my dad was busy attending to them. My dad is always a friendly and funny person. He likes to entertain and treat the guests nicely and make them feel at home. What about that poor sulky girl? I still demanded the attention that I always received from my dad. I remember when they were busy preparing the foods, I could not wait and I ate first. But I still wanted to join them for dinner, so I told my dad to call me for dinner cos I wanted to join even though I have taken mine earlier. You guessed it. My dad was too busy with the relatives, and I was waiting at the corner for him to invite me cos I refuse to just make myself present- I needed an invitation. So my dad actually missed to make that invitation and they just went away with the dinner. What happened to me? I was hiding at the corner in the living room and I cried "courteously" trying to not making any sound, but then some of the relatives noticed that and told my dad and then only he remembered! He quickly went to me and coax me to stop crying and took me to join the dinner. Omigawdd! Was that me? Are you sure? Hahahahahahahahahahaha.

As an adult I am now, I still recall that even how much my maturity is taking control, I still can't just run away from being Sulky. I remember when I bought this sweater for my (ex)boyfriend, and I remember it was a hard-earned money just to buy him a nice one. When he received it, he didn't make the expression that I wanted to hear. I expected that he would say Thank you, I like it sooo much, but he didn't. He just said, Thank You. And I sulked. Dammnit [256], get a freaking life!! Hahahahaahahahahahahahahahahhahaha. I didn't talk to him for a week and he couldn't understand why. Hahahahaahahahahaha.

Well, apa pun…another interesting fact about Merajuk is that, you won't merajuk at someone you meet on the street. You sulk at the people that you love and care. So it's another signal that you actually mean something to the person who sulks at you and that's the good news. Hehehehehe. So…rajuk-merajuk ni perkara biasa - kalau kena dengan caranya, hubungan akan lebih baik sebab dari hal2 mcm ni la you guys akan lebih kenal dan tau cara treat each other dengan lebih baik. So kalau tidak suka your partner merajuk, you guys kena pandai treat your partner dengan baik. Bukan asyik2 you saja yang minta layanan istimewa. You pun kena do the same- barulah aman damai dunia ni kan guys… Hehehehehehe…

Bah…kalau sudah si dia merajuk, tunggu apa lagi? Pegi la pujuk? Doiii, mau lagi sia tulis satu post pasal Pujuk Memujuk ka? Nda mauuu…tu kamurang cari sendiri. Nanti u guys telampau manja tu abis sikit2 pun mau sia tulis baru mau buat. (Hahahahahahahaha /me pingsan tawa)

Have fun all! :)

Take That Freaking Medicine!!!

Believe it or not, I was once a kind of person who said NO to medicine. If I fell sick, I would rely entirely on this so-called self-healing. Yes!! Stupid enough?

Flu is my ANNUAL sickness. It's the most common illness that I get. This is how it starts. I wake up in the morning and I feel discomfort in my throat. This is the sign that the annual disease is starting to attack my immune system. And then, for the whole day, I will feel like only half myself. I will feel cold all over and I don't sweat like I normally do. This is a bad sign that the viruses are starting to overpower my immunity. Ouch!

So, back then I was a bit terrified with medicines. I always thought that taking medication would only bring side effect to my body. I couldn't stand feeling sleeping during lecture, and I would hate sleeping away the whole day – feeling weak and not be able to do my normal activity, Yeah, that was what I THOUGHT back then!! I refused to go to the clinic. I refused to even go to the pharmacy because I don't believe in medicines. I was so stubborn back then and I would wait for a week or two just as long as I heal all by myself. To me, it was the PROPER healing that my body needs. Any healing that comes from medicine comes is adding some chemical into my system. Ouch? Hahahaahahahahahahahahahhaahaha.

This is my Self-healing. If you want to try this out, you may do so. I will quarantine myself in the room. I drink only warm drinks, and NO to aircond or fan, wear sweater so I will sweat away, as much sweat as possible. I spend my time on the bed so that I get the rest I need. If I can sleep, much better. But I sleep in extra temperature. The key is TO SWEAT and sweat until your body temperature gets normal again. So if you can set your time for this healing, you can almost heal after one day. The sore throat will surprisingly go away even after one day, but your voice is still weak to go out like usual. But be thankful that you don't have to turn into a rock star in a day (*Lols). And if you extend this for another day, trust me you'll be back 100% in 2 days! If you do this self-healing with a lot of "commercial breaks" in between – your healing will have to extend to one week, two weeks or so. So if you have to attend lecture in the "icebox" with centralized aircond, this is really bad news to self healing. It was so crazy that the students were treated like FROZEN MEAT when they have to deal with such coldness, almost to freezing level. Hahaahahahahahahahaa. Dammit, I hate to remember those days inicebox lecturer halls. Erkss!!

Imagine, I was like that for all time I was at school. Only after I finished school, I started to get pissed with slow-healing. I realize that Self healing is good, but when you have more commitments, than maybe you don't even have time for self-healing. So I said to myself, "I HAVE NO TIME FOR SELF-HEALING". It was when I changed my view about taking medicines. I need to heal FAST!!!! I don't have time to quarantine myself and lay myself on the bed for the whole day. So since then, I start to take medicine. Luckily, thought Flu is my annual sickness, but usually only flu is bothering me. I'm thankful enough because I am not that susceptible to eye sickness or other things, unlike my sister. So, do you think I still need to complain why I need to take medicine for this sickness?

One more thing. Now I realize that Self-healing is actually an act of selfishness. Because you allow yourself to take longer to heal, you could spread the virus to MORE people. Now I understand what my housemates felt. They won't clap their hands for my self-healing, instead, they were in extra alert because I could be spreading the virus even when I was talking or making physical contacts with them. That's why I got soooo pissed off with people who think they WANT TO WAIT until they heal all by themselves.

I don't care what your excuse is. I don't care if you think that the cough syrup is not tasty or you just hate to swallow liquid medicine. I don't want to hear all that. These are all nothing but stupid excuses. Anybody in the house who does this, will get "sharp torture" from me because delaying your recovery will get more people infected. Maybe you think you're being "Natural" and you believe in natural healing. To the drain with all that!! If you live alone, MAYBE! If you live with other people in the house, then have some heart.

Do you guys know why I am sounding this way? I always got my sickness from other people back in schooldays. I HATE IT. I know that my immunity is very low in flu. I tell you that Flu just loves me! So if you heal late, I will get mad if I get infected cos I have a weak body. Back in schooldays, I could forgive you but if anybody pass viruses to me NOW, I hope I could sue you!!!(Hahahaahahahahahahahahahahaha). Imagine my work that I have to delay because you can't just find the right medicine to treat your sickness.

If you say that you hate to think that chemical is getting into your blood, HEY, even what you eat on lunch has all the chemicals you don't recognized and hell, your body is already full off chemicals from the pollutions and plastic products that you use daily, SO don't speak as if chemicals in ANYTHING NEW!!! Take that freaking medicine, pray that you body can handle thousands of chemicals with funny names and still be the healthy productive you. Yeah, maybe we can't be counting how much funny stuff get into the blood, as long as you can be healthy and do your normal activity as a human being. That's the real point actually!!!

Then?? Go take that freaking medicine and get healed FAST!! No more delay okay?? Better do it, guys!!! Gggrrrrrrr… (Hahahaahhahahahhahahahahaha)

Stay Healthy and Happy peeps! :)

Dare To Die!!!

Wahh…semenjak dua menjak ni…sia asyik bercakap tentang perkara2 yang motivate me. Ruginya kalau sia nda tulis benda ni kan. So here I am!

Hari tu…ada customer sia yang sempat borak with me. She’s my senior. Orangnya sempoi saja, tapi poket dia penuh. Dressing ala kadar. She runs a tourism agency with her hubby. Dia ni lah mama angkat kepada The Lucky Baby yang sia pernah cerita di post tahun lalu. Baru2 ni dorang satu family terbang pegi Hong Kong dan bercuti di sana hampir 1 bulan tanpa risau dengan business dorang. Dorang balik2 ja Sabah, sibuk buat persiapan bday that lucky baby yang ke 1 tahun. Bila sia tengok persiapan dia untuk majlis bercukur anak tunggal kesayangan dia tu – baju budak tu saja pun mau dekat RM1k, then sia tumpang tekejut saja la dengan big-spending dorang tu. Dalam hati sia… “Ini la ni kalau sudah lahir2 ja terus kaya.” Dekat setahun lebih sia beranggapan macam tu, until la sia akhirnya bercakap dengan dia dengan lebih detail.

Dia cerita dengan sia yang perjalanan untuk sampai ke tahap hidup senang yang boleh pegi holiday ni bukan cerita senang. Company tu dorang mula daripada Zero. And then, dorang pernah melalui kejatuhan yang kaw2 punya…sampaikan semua staff berhenti, bank call2 untuk tanya pasal installment kereta yang tertunggak. “Bunuh diri ja nda,” dia cakap. Bukan calang2 punya kejatuhan. And then, customer pun datang hentam dorang. Ada lagi accident yang berlaku yang menyebabkan reputasi company dorang bertambah teruk.

Masa dia sibuk bercakap, I was startled. Pandai2 ja sia assume yang dia ni kaya dari lahir. Kalau betullah apa yang dia cakap tu, dia sebenarnya sudah rasa macamana jadi susah. Dia bagitau pelaburan2 yang dorang sudah buat, ada yang tidak menjadi dan membawa kerugian. They took the RISK. Risk yang dorang ambil tu bukan alang2 punya. Sama ada kau terus hidup atau kau gulung tikar. Itu saja ending dia. But, sepa sangka, pasal dorang berani la dorang sampai ke tahap hari ni.

Then sia menyampuk, “Mesti mau berani mati ba kan?” sambil2 bergurau. She agreed with it right away. “Yess…betul. MESTI MAU BERANI MATI.” Uishh… serius ja bunyi dia tu ba. Hehehehe. Pikir buli hidup balikkah kalau sudah mati? Alaalalalala… Hehehehe.

Itu cuma kata kiasan saja. It’s about TAKING A HIGH RISK in order to move forward. Kalau sentiasa play it safe, sebenarnya teda apa juga yang kita dapat. Cuma “SAFE” itu saja lah reward dia, but SAFE only for the time being. Sama juga Safe yang tidak bekesudahan akhirnya tidak ke mana2. What For? That’s why la dengan bangganya dia nasihat sia supaya BERANI buat keputusan besar dalam hidup sia. Jangan asyik takut rugi, takut gagal… susah mau maju. Kalau jatuh tidak apa, asalkan bangkit semula.

Sia angguk paham. “Yes, Dare To Die, kan.”

Then she continued, “Dare To Die but YOU MUST LIVE.”

Then I paused for a while and say, YES!! Dare to die but Don’t Die, but Live!

Maksudnya, bila kita mau capai sesuatu, kadangkala risk yang diambil tu terlalu besar tetapi yang kita kejar tu pun sangat berbaloi. So, adakah kita akan terus memilih untuk tidak mencuba gara2 takut gagal dan rugi? You guys sedar kah yang Life ini memang adalah untuk kita sentiasa capai sesuatu dengan mengatasi kepayahan yang wujud di depan kita? Kenapa jua we make it sound as if benda ni “something new?” Kan memang inilah DEFINISI kehidupan? Jadi apa yang ada di depan sia ni adalah just a normal journey. If I freak out dengan hal2 mcm ni, memang I’m a loser before the battle is even begin. I’m alive and I’m healthy, apa lagi excuse sia nda mau take on this challenge kan?

Apa pun, I still ask myself, Do I Dare? Tapi thinking of that, memang betul2 interesting if sia just redah saja ni semua. Bila lagi kan?

Ingat tu… Dare TO Die --- But You Must Live!!

Biarkan Sajalah!

“Jangan kau naik tu, nanti jatuh!!” Begitu la yang biasa diteriak oleh ibu bapa kita kepada kita when we were still too small to know what’s dangerous. Especially when kita too curious nampak tu tangga yang tinggi…"Macam best pula kalau naik ni, tau…” Sama ada kita ni memang curious, atau memang kita rasa kita ni kuat dan sedia dengan sebarang perkara yang mungkin menimpa kita, or kita ni memang berpikiran pendek dan tidak mau pikir banyak. Well, dalam situasi kalau kita ni masih kecil, semua perkara tu adalah normal. Kadang2 when bapa kita teriak sampai tebangun tu ayam itik di kandang, sama jua degil. Inda mau dengar. Mau juga naik. Degil eh!

“[256], jangan kau naik tu tangga…nanti kau jatuh, silap2 bedarah lutut kau,” bilang bapa sia. Terus sia inda naik sebab dia tinguk sia. But bila dia teda sana, nahh…sana la sia teruskan mission sia. “Sia mesti naik itu tangga!” sia cakap dalam hati. Degil. Keras kepala. Kali tinguk, tiba2 muncul bapa sia di belakang, “Sudah sia kastau jangan naik tu tangga kan? Kenapa juga nda mau dengar ni? Kalau jatuh nanti macamana?” Then sia kasi biut muka merajuk kana marah. “Can you stop me?” RIGHT, You can’t freaking stop me. Kalau sia sudah determined mau buat something, I will do it. If you tie me di pokok kayu pun, ada jua cara sia mau lepas dan akhirnya naik tangga itu!! Sebab manusia memang macam ni. Kalau kepala otak dia mau, dia bukan dengar apa kau cakap. Apa lagi bila dia rasa excited and thrilled to try something yg dia rasa seronok.

Percaya atau tidak…Inilah yang kita hadapi dalam menjalani hidup kita. Kita ada kemahuan melakukan sesuatu, kita rasa kita boleh, and then kita rasa cara kita untuk mendapatkan sesuatu tu adalah betul. Yup…read that again. Contohnya kamu ni seorang cikgu, kamu sudah terlebih dahulu makan garam dari students kamu. Then kamu nampak students kamu ni asyik masyuk bercinta masa masih sekolah. Umur baru setahun jagung, sudah tau main cinta monyet. Kamu sudah lalui tu semua. Kamu buat satu sesi lecture di kelas. Kamu bagitau students kamu yg confirm dorang akan menyesal kalau cinta awal2 sebab semua cinta pada masa sekolah macam tu mesti tidak akan ke mana-mana. Silap2 paper fail, lugai2 putih mata. Apa pun nda dapat. Berbuih mulut kamu lecture students kamu supaya jangan main cinta2 monyet. Aha…kamurang pikir dorang mau dengar ka? Dorang sudah hanyut dengan perasaan yang di awang-awangan tu…dorang rasa happy dan bahagia dengan cinta monyet dorang, dan mau dibandingkan dengan kamu yg setakat pot pet teda hujung pangkal – entahkan betul entahkan tidak … kamurang pikir dorang mau dengar ka?? Yes, correct!! Dorang tidak akan mau dengar!!!

Jadi, apa macam? Kamu baca tu topic balik. Iaituu…BIARKAN SAJALAH! Ini saja cara yang terbaik. Bukan kerana kamu surrender tidak mau tolong orang lain supaya dorang tidak jatuh atau gagal, tapi memang THERE’S NO WAY yang dorang akan dengar cakap kamu sekiranya dorang expect ada sinar victory yang menunggu di hujung tu. BIARKAN saja dorang tu. Kalau si [256] telampau karas kepala, kasi biar dia naik tu tangga, kalau dia jatuh nanti, bedarah lutut…Nahhh, baru dia sendiri sedar apa yang bahaya. Daripada kau kasi kempunan dia. Biar la dia naik. Tapi kau pasang la tilam di bawah cos nda juga kita mau kepala dia yang landing dulu kan. Palis2. (*Lols).Eiii sampat lagi ba!

Ini cuma satu perumpamaan. Sampai hari ni pun, kita sentiasa dinasihat itu dan ini oleh orang yg TAHU dan berpengalaman. Dorang tau if kau ikut tu jalan yang kau pilih, kau akan susah. Tapi kau degil. Kau mau juga ikut. Then? Biar saja la! Kamurang tunggu ja dia patah balik kasi biut muka. “Baru sia tau oo itu jalan tidak bagus.” Nahhh, ini la yang kita tunggu. Biar dia find out sendiri. Sebab kalau mau harap kita yang bagitau orang, dorang tidak akan paham dan terima. Dorang kena find out sendiri.

Begitu juga la dengan sia. Bukan teda orang nasihat, bukan teda orang tau…Tapi apa buli buat kalau sia degil? Then now bila sia find out yang apa yang dorang cakap tu Memang Betul, dan sia telah memperbodohkan diri sia selama ni dengan mengikut sia punya kepala otak yang nda berapa buli pakai, Nahhh…PADAN DENGAN MUKA SIA KAN? Guess what… as a matter of fact, sia baru saja sedar sia melalui proses itu. Dan apa jadi dengan sia? Sia masih boleh berdiri dan bercakap macam awal2 dulu before sia buat kesilapan itu. Tapi kali ni, bahasa sia lain sikit sebab sekarang SIA TAU, dulu sia NDA tau. Sekarang sia buli becakap and analisis kesilapan sia. What when wrong and all that. Dan apa yang lebih best lagi…selepas sia jatuh sendiri dan bangun kembali, sia jadi orang yang lebih pintar. At least sia sudah buktikan teori yang sia ragui dan sia boleh jadi BUKTI itu sendiri kepada satu perkara yang orang lain susah mau percaya. Sometimes, memang macam ni. Kau kena terhantuk, terduduk dan almost tersungkur dulu barulah kau tau. Jadi… now that I made a mistake, sia teda masa mau hantuk kepala sia di dinding or mau gigit lengan sia sendiri untuk lepas geram. Sebab bagi sia, INILAH KEHIDUPAN. Mimang sia PERLU buat kesilapan itu untuk jadi orang yg lebih baik.

Now sia nampak sekali lagi, macamana God does it. Biarpun sia masih rasa sakit akibat terjatuh, tapi sia masih terasa mau senyum sebab sia pikir dari mula lagi…seolah-olah benda ni direka sedemikian rupa supaya sia boleh lakukan satu kesilapan dan bangkit semula. Entah dari mana pikiran ni datang bahawa, Success itu ada price dia. Bukan MURAH itu Success tu. I think, secara logiknya, God pun nda mau kita berjaya dengan mudah sebab takut2 kita tidak tau apa NILAI sebuah kejayaan. Tadi sia bercakap dengan my mom’s friend about perkara ni – I WISH I had someone yang becakap di tempat sia sekarang and sia berada di tempat my mom’s friend supaya sia tidak perlu kerugian masa dan wang ringgit dengan kesilapan yang boleh dielakkan. Tapi tidak apa juga. Yang paling best sekali adalah… KESILAPAN itu kini berada di belakang sia. Apa lagi sia mau takut? Benda tu sudah lepas. Sekarang adalah masa untuk MAKE UP for it and sia mau ONE DAY sia akan rasa mau hug2 itu kesilapan – sampai gitu sekali kan. Sebab sepa tau…kesilapan itu lah permulaan kepada sesuatu yg indah pada masa depan.

Dengan my stubbornness… Dad, thanks for letting me fall off the stairs. I need this one time experience so that I don’t have to fall again. A Fall…suddenly it sounds too simple to compare to what’s waiting for you. Wow… :)