2023, Thank You

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31st December 2023, finally here we are again. Again, I'll just let my fingers dance without having anything particular in mind about what to write. But I Must. I don't want this year to leave without a proper speech from me.

Being this age in 2023, of course there are advantages compared to before. But I will hilite interesting stuff that is worthy to remember. There are expectations that are unmet but not all in my power. I left the rest to God and I assume that those expectations are best not to be met Yet. But something that I should mention, about my new workplace since last year, a very unfamiliar place and faces, but this year I learnt to adapt even more. In such a place with small space, I have proven that my passion surpassed the superficial cos as long as my passion grows, everything else will become adaptable. This is such a gift from heaven for me cos how I manage to enjoy work despite all the odds. Like, even that can't stop me. Fast forward to 4th of December when I was given the key, yes I moved again to a new place! I have to go into more details for the future me to read and remember.

When the tenant next door a.k.a my workplace neighbour told me she was moving out to another lot, I didn't even have the idea that I would move. Cos I got comfortable with my less-than-2-years workplace, and of course the cost of moving out is not cheap. After a while, I think God used my friend to convince me that I should move out since that place is bigger. I did not say yes right away. I asked myself, "Am I crazy enuff to do this?" YES, YOU ARE, 256. LOLS. Fast forward to 31st December, the place is 95% ready. I went thru a lot of things with the processes. But this time I'm more hands-on, I got to decide many things hence the bigger challenges I have to overcome. But now I can start seeing the fruit of the labour for the almost 1 month. I decided that I'm happier now that it happened the way it is. Then I try to see myself in the older place, and compare them, I just shake my head in disbelief how I could not see all the disadvantages of the old place. Like it was almost pitiful seeing the small space and how I made a lot of magics happen in the small space. My o my. That proved that it's just the barrier that we put in our head. I'm so thankful to God that I managed to see brightness in the dullness and felt enuff with what seemed to be lacking by other people. I've been so blessed. So guys, I will begin the new year in the new place. I worked so hard to prepare the place for me to create more magics. And this event is one of the most important for me this year.

After more than half a year this year, my closefriends witnessed my stubbornness when I did not write a single thing in our whatsapp group out of a little misunderstanding. But I did that to make myself clear. I'm not saying that I wasn't to be blamed, but I just couldn't force myself just so people can have their way. It's not how I wanted a friendship to be. But I also did not blame anyone. I chose to stay silent to avoid saying hurtful things. But I guess silence is a worse punishment to some. I thanked my friends who still reached out to me but even after that, I still did not talk in the whatsapp group. The first day that I finally broke my silence was on my birthday when everyone wished me. And since then, I became very active again in the group. I mean, do you know what this means to me? From my angle, I see it as Maturity. Cos if you know my nature, I used to be a Grudger. How I could just iron out all the 7 months worth of silence and took it from there in peace and harmony. I believe that our friendship has matured from there. We did a reunion on 22nd of December and we were celebrating our friendship of many years. I have known these friends since matriculation and they are the batch of friends that know me best since they have lived with me in the same apartment for 9 months and my bestie was my roomate. They are among the best gifts of my life.

Other than that, I have also developed work friendships with more people. I like how I am this "hard-to-get-close-to" but still people make the effort to still acknowledge me as a positive person, and at the same time respect the space. I like it when I found out they portray me as a workaholic who enjoys my work more than anything else and that's how I don't get involved in the business of other people, less drama, less conflict that at the end of the day, they wished they did the same. At least, being this person that is not too friendly to strangers, they still can say, 256, I like your way. That's enuff for me. 

I thank you God above for letting me be a good friend to my friends if I ever be, be a good daughter to my parents if I ever be, and be a good sister to my siblings if I ever be. I also would like to set a good example to people just by being my true self. I hope to influence other people in a good way. This is what I have become as this person I am today. I am imperfect but goodness is my intention. 

Thank you God for taking care of my loved ones. Taking care of me and listening to all our prayers. I feel the heavenly touch in every good and trying times. It touches my heart so many times when I realize that God is doing His ways to answer my prayers. Even when I repeatedly forgot to pray, He still reminds me thru every act of love in His involvement in every situation that He's always there. I feel so touched and no words can ever describe my thankfulness. 

2023, thank you for so many colours. Did you purposely leave a few big wishes out so I feel more excited for 2024? If you ask me, well, maybe Excited is not the word, but I'm Positive about it. The year ends with a challenges actually with all the moving out thing, but thank God I'm equipped with wisdom to not snap. I got this. You know who is my Helper.

Bye 2023, Thanks a lot for this chapter. You have made us stronger and wiser. Guys, lets do this. We can do this. 2024, Here We Go! 

And I'm still here...

Hi my babyblog. I'm back for now. I gotta write this one down. So that when "I'm still here again" next time, I can read it and reminisce those moments.

This year is the first year that I'm totally off any medication that is related to my panic attack. I shall write this down for my future self to remember how is the first year "being independent". The Struggle Is Real. The more I read about the experiences of other people, they all have something in common but not everything is the same.  I can see how each of them studying their own bodies and understand how the symptoms take a toll of them. And How they deal with it everytime. Some are much more terrible than what I have but still, during the "moment of agony" nothing bout that matters. Enduring each time is really a matter of "Will I still be here later?"

Why that question, u ask? Because it is just so terrible that all u think is "your last moment" on earth. Seriously. When your body starts to react to little pain and discomfort, as little as a small bruise or swelling that is purely physical, a world of Uncertainty just comes to your mind. Yeah your mind keeps playing all the tragedies u read of how someone suddenly Faint, and Go, and never comes back. Trust me the thought of the Uncertainties is one of the worst part of surviving the "attacks". But still, the worst part is when suddenly you don't hold the remote control to your body anymore. It just goes haywire for a bit, with your heart beating faster, with your mind gets foggy and sometimes you breathe faster, EVERYTHING, enuff for u to feel that it's really your last moments. 

But wait, after all said and done, I'm still here typing this. Feeling good and all. But a few hours ago I had those agony briefly. Even how many times I had it, I'm still terrified everytime that happens. On my way home from work, I was unsure how I'm gonna be when I reach home. But what happened was, I entered the house and right away went to the kitchen and cooked, and then had my dinner. OH MAN. What happened? 

Yes, let me say this. This is what usually happens. The agony does not last forever. Theoretically, the symptoms only last for 15 minutes and suddenly everything back to normal. But it could be longer for some people, and maybe shorter. The most important thing is The Distractions. The more distracted you are, the better. It could be gone before u know. But I had one terrible nite last month during my PMS, maybe the impact of sugar and other things too. Remember that any kind of anxiety has links with the guts. That day I had all the foods I like but yeah, just a bit more sugar than normal days. I usually allow that on Sunday, out of self rewarding after a long week at work. But I guess I ate variety of things out of normal and maybe it clashed with all the hormonal imbalances, I just got one of the worst symptoms in this whole year. That's how I know that when I first got it, and then recovered, it never really leaves my body. After that nite I know that it's part of how my body reacts to the external forces that I let in.  The worst symptoms can still anytime unleash. The difference now is that now I am aware what is happening to me. Unlike when I first got it and with no proper consultation from the specialist.

So my dear self, here you are again. Remind me when that happens, it will LEAVE. You'll be okay, dear self. After many "attacks", I'm still here feeling healthy and good, and filled with positivity and gratefulness. Well, this is my cross to bear but sthing up there reminds me that yes this cross is heavy, but I can lift it because I'm given that strength. I have to say this again... Alleluia to the Lord above. Without him I'm nothing. And thank you cos I'm still here living my life. Amen. 

 

Surviving The Insiders

Source from Google images

Hola. It's been a while. In fact only my second post in 2023. I will just let my fingers dance on the keyboard without anything clear in my head. Lets talk about my overview of 2023 so far.

Actually macam tahun2 sebelumnya, merenung kehidupan ni in a bigger picture is something that I do everytime I spend my quiet time alone. Fast forward to 2023, now that we are getting older, banyak benda yang boleh kita renung. Perubahan dari macam2 segi, alongside time yang terus bergerak detik demi detik. Berfikir pasal KEHIDUPAN and WHAT'S NEXT, itu memang nda lari dari fikiran. In fact makin jelas ke mana arahnya semua ni kan.

As a woman, entering new decade in my life, memang terfikir hari tua. I see that some people are doing it much earlier. They are really preparing for the old days even from 20 years earlier. It's always about - The Old Days. Me being a short term person, sia nda tinguk jauh. Sia lebih peduli pasal the nearest Next, instead of 20 years later, I'm a 1 month later kind of person. I'm sure there's no right or wrong sebab yang lalui hidup masing2 adalah diri masing2 juga. 

Of of the biggest highlights in my life so far is still me discovering when I first had panic attacks in 26 Feb 2020 - not that I have not moved on but I'm still observing how my body reacts eversince that day. As far as 2023 is concerned, maybe boleh dikatakan semakin In Control, cos only last year I remembered I popped Xanax a few times but only very little amount, but that time I was getting used to a new workplace and environment, so it was freaking challenging. Now things are doing much better. But I have to mention the recent incident where a few times I got a slight attacks, in fact I occasionally have them from time to time, tapi semuanya manageable. Tapi everytime that happens, I'm still terrified. Biarpun this time I know what's happening but I'm still not so sure about what's next. Sampaikan I tell myself this, "IF I'M STILL ALIVE AFTER THIS, REMEMBER THAT THIS IS JUST HORMONAL DISTURBANCES, AND I HAVE SURVIVED IT AGAIN."

Dear ladies, I don't know about you but my PMS days are the most unstable times of my month. It's when I understand my hormones go haywire, and since the days my body intruded by the sickness, I wonder if it would ever go away. So far, it hasn't. But remember, this isn't about an OUTSIDER. This is my own hormones, my own body, my own biological system, which are the INSIDER. I recalled the recent occurance, in one morning, I couldn't describe the feeling. Like Numbness of the upper part of my neck. I had to touch my face to feel it's there, sthing like that. Sounds scary right? Maybe the hormonal disturbances got even worse with certain food. I remember eating durian, something I watch myself closely when I eat it. Cos I know durians can be toxic. It happened only a few longest seconds in my life. I had the urge to give in - like say it out loud, HELPPPP, I'M NOT FEELING GOOD RIGHT NOW. Kamu tau ka tu feeling masa tu? Sia fikir sia mau JALAN sudah. Sebab unbearable tu feeling biarpun kejap ja. GILAA, so gila. Just extra strength yg kana top up entah dari mana, I got the courage to take another step and teruskan langkah. I got into my office and I said to myself, I Will have to fight this for a while. If I faint if I fall, at least it's at a proper place. Guys, sandi bahh. Tapi to my surprise, entah camana, sia duduk di chair sia terus sia buli mula fikir benda lain. Kerja yang mau dibikin, and sia still manage to do it. Before I know, tu feeling yg menggila tadi tu actually not there anymore. WHAT WAS THAT, I thought. Sia geleng kepala ja bila fikir. Cos I must remember during the early times when I first had the sickness, it was much much worse than this. SERIOUSLY. Pun sudah sia lalui. Dan I'm still here in one piece, still functioning as a human yg seadanya. So what I'm trying to say is, this sickness is so tricky. Cos it's an INTERNAL thing. 

Ok, so back to the topic. Banyak benda baru yang sia discover juga. Tapi terlanjur sudah sampai di usia ni, biarpun banyak benda kita bikin yg boleh dibikin lebih baik, cara yang boleh diubah ikut yg lebih mendatangkan manfaat, like I said, terlanjur kita bangun di usia begini and hidup dengan cara yg ada. Kita terima kekurangan kita tapi nda bermaksud inilah masa kita hentam diri kita dan semua kesilapan kita di masa lalu. Keputusan2 yang silap tu, Oh gosh, will I ever learn yang masa lalu tu cuma debu2 ja. Memang bodoh la kalau dihantui debu2. Biarpun cakap ja senang tapi biar kita JANGAN LUPA yg perjalanan kita ni adalah ke depan. GUYS, WAKE UP. Kita tau penghujung hidup kita, jadi setiap langkah kita menuju ke arah tu. Sisa2 hayat kita ni berbaloi ka isi dengan masa lalu? Biarpun in a way, memories tu HARTA bagi sia. Tu la sia suka ambil gambar dan menulis, sebab dari dulu sia tau apa meaning dia utk hari kemudian. Bagi sia memories tu mcm treasure yg sangat berharga, TAPI I should remind myself yg kesilapan dan kebodohan sia yang lalu, hanyalah debu. Macamana dorg try pun they can do nothing to my present time.

So I still agree satu benda - iaitu living the moments. Mengumpul happy points di setiap hari, setiap kesempatan dan setiap accomplishment. Kalau kita boleh becakap berapi2 pasal perkara gila yg kita bikin, nah ini kan pula bercakap pasal perkara bahagia. Sia masih tidak dpt ikut rentak org pasal the common standard yg society kita ada. Maybe sia nda dpt capai tu tapi MAYBE I JUST DON'T WANT TO. Garsh, people. Kenapa la kalau kita tidak sekaya dorg. Kenapa la kalau kita tidak berharta. Sia nda cakap yg it's okay to just hidup cukup makan tapi jangan la kita terlampau mengejar utk setaraf sama org lain ada impian yg nda sama mcm kita. Imagine la, sia dengan mindset sebegini pun masih boleh terbuai sama kepedulian pasal impression org terhadap life sia. At one point, I can overthink apa lah org cakap pasal sia, tapi kalau mau difikirkan, memang teda hujungnya, semua tu cuma andaian yg sia2 ja. Yang kau ada adalah diri kau seadanya. Baik kah, buruk kah, ada org yang nampak kehebatan kau,  dan sebaliknya, atas apa pun alasan. Jadi sesaat pun kau overthink pasal org yg pandang rendah sama kau, tidak akan mengubah apa2. You are still the biggest power dlm life kau. I suggest go ahead and walk tall. Life kau adalah pilihan  kau dan kau BERJAYA sejauh ini. Apa guna mau impress org yg kau terpaksa korbankan bahagia kau sendiri. GILA. I WILL NEVER DO THAT. So here I am seadanya. I'm sorry if you are those people who are meant NOT to like me. Ndapa. Kau go ahead dan teruskan kegemilangan hidup kau. Hayat kita ni terbatas. BIAR LAH. Kita teruskan hidup masing2 ja. BOLEH MACAM TU?

Ok, sia menulis totally ikut sukati jari2 sia ja ni. Langsung teda berlandaskan format apa2. Tapi u should know yg sia menulis ni utk diri sia jua di kemudian hari. Ini adalah jurnal hari ni yg akan merekod footprints kepala otak sia ni. Nda wajib utk ada tapi I WANT TO HAVE THEM. Ini salah satu cara sia hargai kehidupan sebab ingatan kita ni bukan permanent. I want to read them and smile as how far I have come.

So guys, kita teruskan perjuangan la kan? Almost mau habis setengah tahun sudah ni. Ekonomi yg lembab ni nda buli dinafikan tapi sudah lama kita survive dengan passion yg ada, so masih boleh bernafas. Kita masih sempat bikin magic. The word HOPE tu bah, sentiasa menyala. Hebat betul tu word. Bah Jom kita continue journey kita. Sia wish baik2 untuk semua ah. 

Kalau kamu buli baca sampai sini, sabas buatmuhhh. Harap2 ada la terdetik secebis dua ilham dari mana2. And Thank You :) Till next post.

Entering 2023 Like A "Diva"

Source: http://clipart-library.com/

Orang cakap semakin meningkat usia, kita makin matang dan makin bijak dalam apa juga tindakan kita. But I wonder, does it mean yang kita akan totally change? Will we ever change and be a different person completely from 5 years ago?

Entering the first day of 2023 today, while at the church, I did a lot of thinking before the mass started. I still have things unsettled brought from 2022. The situation that involved friendship, that made me look so immature and problematic. Suddenly I stopped talking and never answered back all the messages. This friend who I trusted, who I thought understands me the most, did something not in my favour. And she should know it but what she also has reason behind what she did. 

Terfikir juga, adaka kita semakin menDIVA dengan usia kita. Kita rasa makin entitled and semua benda kita mau ikut apa yg kita mau. If I say Yes to that, that's not true juga. Okay, lets make this clear. Back in school,  I had no choice. Sepa yg jadi my classmate, sepa yg jadi my dormates, I relied on my luck so I could avoid some names that I disliked. But I remember, luck was not always on my side. In fact, the top name that I disliked the most, became one of my dormates. As much as I hated it, I lived with it and all its consequences. Being many years younger back then, I might have better tolerance. But even that, I ended up arguing with the toxic person because I ran out of patience because she embarrassed me during English class. So remember that I always have this limit.

So selepas bertahun2 lepas school, I have more choices now. No more that I have to follow rules orang lain. Tapi that freedom bukan free. Besar harga dia. Tapi I chose it because I decided that I WANT PEACE in my life. If I don't like it, I will not do it. SIMPLE. Dan tiada sepa yang buli simply order sia do otherwise, unless I volunteer to do it. Maybe because of that, apa yang berlaku ni violated my freedom, and the person who did this is my closest friend. She always believe that we have grown up and should be wise enough to evaluate situations. She has always tolerated with this one toxic friend of ours, and in the name of maturity, she does that because that friend needs extra attention because of her toxic nature and we should be extra patient with her. I have tried my best and she got on my nerve quite a few times. So after many years not being in contact with her, it was this closest friend's effort who brought us all together in a group. Now in the name of friendship, she puts us in the same chat group where we got to see her toxicity everyday. And she left the group twice also out of her toxicity and my friend just couldn't wait to add her back. Despite knowing the issue that I and my other friends have with her, she just doesn't care about the rest of us. What's more important to her is she couldn't leave that friend alone because the history that they both shared. Now she's dragging everyone else so that friend has more company and feel accepted. Do you see how she violated us? That she never asks if it's okay with us. She just assumes we could cope - again because of the theory of maturity that she keeps saying. 

So right now, I enter into my silent mode. Maybe she got it that I disliked what she did but she still couldn't help it and hope that I could just cope and be okay again. You know what I hate? I hate it even more when someone uses our close friendship to put me in this awkward situation. That I will just accept and understand. Am I a Diva when I feel so wronged? But no, I can't just walk in and put on a I'm Okay mask. I'm not a good actor. I can't be like them, they badmouth her behind her back and in front of her, they use angelic words to make her feel better. I CAN'T. THAT'S NOT ME.

So I tried to talk myself down - 256, can you just forgive? But this is not about forgiveness. This is about going on with life, forcing things that I can choose not to. She can still have her way without me. I accept that the toxic trait is just part of her and I don't expect her to change. Just like all the people who don't like me, they can go ahead without me. Why now when I have to do it, I feel like I'm being accused a Diva? Maybe back then they laughed when I said I rejected certain customers, because to them that means I rejected Money, but like I said, I value my peace more than anything. If customers are problematic, I rather concentrate on those who know the value of my work. I have my reasons. 

Susah2 sia pilih ni jalan hidup, ni kelebihan yang sia ada. Some people cannot do it biarpun dorg hidup senang cos they need to accept orders org atasan. Tapi memang berbaloi sebab hidup dorg senang. My life is not sesenang dorg tapi kelebihan yang sia ada ni, when someone tries to take it from me, I have to enter defense mode. I deserve to react. I paid for that freedom dengan semua kesulitan yang sia ada sekarang. Bukan percuma ya.

After all said and done, bulikah sia serahkan ja sama yang yg di atas untuk guide sia? O God, rendahkanlah ego sia kalau inilah yang memblock banyak blessings. Sia sanggup untuk kebaikan. And God, 2023 ni, I may start it with a moderate mindset but it doesn't mean I don't want to achieve greater things. May God give ways for good things to happen in my life. And of course most important is for my loved ones to always be under Your protection. I'm still amazed by how God have made things possible in 2022. May this faith just grow bigger. Alleluia! Thank you God. Amenn!