“He’s Gone and She’s Torn”

This is a very familiar case. Have you been in one? Read on.

To feel like on top of the world. I know how it feels. To fall in love with a guy when you think you finally found someone who you enjoy spending times with, sharing all your laughters and cares, someone who accompanies you to go to everywhere you wish to go. What else? He proved to you that he was there for you, sacrificing his time and energy just to be with you. It doesn’t take a genius that This Guy feels the same way. No doubt about it. 

Unfortunately, life is made in such a way that it’s everything but a fairytale. Good things don’t last. Life of a person is never tailor-made to fit the overused phrase of “happily every after”. Eventually there will come to a part where things would shake…and then Wrecked. Ladies…I’m speaking for you. For those whose hearts have broken into pieces by the time you lose your man to another lady, in the name of Marriage. You know, it’s often that I heard cases like this. Surprisingly, I’ve been there ONCE. And that was all I could take. No More. Yeah, imagine how painful it is. No more, please no more. 

The guy walked into your life. He has some history that is not known to you, concerning “another lady” in his life. In most cases, the existing relationship that he has with his lady is not looking good and that is how fate brought you two together. You need a guy and there he came. The chemistry was so strong that you could not help but fall for this guy. He was like an answered prayer. Yeah, but something stopped you. There was an underlying issue that made you guys slow down for anything more serious. It could be a serious issue like difference in religion. It was something that stopped you from expecting too much from this guy when it comes to spending future together…but since things just felt so right, you both just swept it under the carpet and never really discussed about it. The magical moments of being together made you want to forget all the cares and just believe that eventually things would unfold the way you favour. The fact is that, nothing would change unless you change it. Knowing that this issue remains a thorn in the relationship, eventually the fact of life is taking its toll. You guys could not remain in wonderland forever. You guys still need to carry on with life, getting married and build a life. Responsibility and demands from family will finally catch up and disturbs your “beauty sleep”. 

Suddenly here comes the issue when the guy was put in a difficult position of choosing whose heart he should put above whose. Whether he wanted to keep living in dreamland with the girl he loved but was not ready to leave her religion to marry him (You), or he listened to his parents who were concerned about his future and bugging him to get married. Any decision he would make, a heart gonna break. One fact of life that any adult could not deny is that, everyone who relies entirely on love, usually goes home not just empty-handed, but even empty-hearted. Love might feel and look good at the moment, but you will never know how long and how well it could help you towards the best future. So considering all the factors, maybe you should UNDERSTAND why your man took certain decision. Knowing that you could not make yourself available to be in position to marry him, do you think he has a better choice? And in the case where the guy was already engaged with a girl before he met you, and although something went wrong between them that made both of them drift apart and finally led the guy to you, STILL, it was complicated to undo the bond that involved 2 families who were in good terms and wanted the bond to continue. He has to take care of many hearts and put his own at the bottom. Can you imagine being in his position?

When the breaking news arrived, of course it broke your heart into pieces. It was the time when you thought of revenge. You closed all contacts with the guy, demonstrated anguish as much as you could so that the guy knew that he just did a very serious crime. Suddenly you wanted him to know that he was a very bad guy, playing with your feelings by marrying another lady. You wanted him to feel as much agony as you.You wish that the karma gets back to him very soon. Yeah. I knew how painful it was having to let go off your guy that way. There was a spear stabbed you right at the heart. Damn painful. I certainly don’t miss that moment.

In my case before, one thing that I could have done better was, “Never giving him the chance to explain himself.” Come to think about it, I got in his life knowing that he already had another girl before me, but this is one of those cases playing with small fire that eventually get the whole place burnt. The relationship was risky to begin with. I wonder, if only I gave him the chance, it didn’t have to end so ugly. Instead of calling him all the bad names, what if he really at the end of his wits that he had to take that decision. But wait, it didn’t mean that everything he has with you was fake and lies. Slowly I got back my senses and I didn’t feel so hurt anymore thinking that – I could not provide him a better solution to his situation. If I was willing to go extra miles to fight for it, it might end differently. But I didn’t. I realized that I claimed too much from him and gave him nothing much in return. I didn’t dare to go and meet his family so that he has a concrete reason to show to his parents why he had to call off the engagement. I did NOTHING. So how could I be the most hurt in this situation. I was only thinking about myself and how selfish was that. So ladies, study your situation and be rational. Part of his decision might come from you too. And seriously you were not the only one who were hurting so badly. Come to think about it, his burden could be heavier than yours. He would be thinking day and nite about you and how much all that has hurt you. The Guilt he has might put him in misery. He could be crying inside and not knowing what to do, stuck in a place he didn’t feel like he belongs to. He won't feel all this if you really meant nothing to him in the first place.

To be fair, I’d say the common mistakes of the guys in this situation. Most of them don’t have the guts to speak when they have come to the middle of the road. They didn’t want to hurt us but they certainly did the wrong thing by keep giving us hope that things were going to be Okay, that you two didn’t have to lose each other. Even when they were in the position to clear the air much sooner, like explaining to us that they had to proceed with the marriage since we could not give him a better solution as he was torn between us and their families, they DID NOT do it. They didn’t have the guts TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT before it got worse. At least if they told us much earlier, we could prepare emotionally. Yes, we might scream and slap him at the time, but it showed a lot of maturity and responsibility. We might take shorter time to accept the fact and forgive him because we could feel his sincerity. All I could say is that, at one point, both parties were SELFISH. The hurt that both had to endure is THE PRICE we have to pay for every mistakes that we did in NOT handling it the best way possible. Anyway, things had happenned and they all now belong to the past. Agree? So the best to go from here is…

Accept this as one hell of experience in our lives. The good memories will remain good and although the guy is gone, he was still part of the good memories. Move on from here, act as an adult and STOP from keep hurting yourself cos it will do nothing good to anyone. After all said and done, experiences like this are among the most valuable that life could give us. It taught us to love, to give, to share, to deal with conflicts, and how we heal our broken heart. All our tears are the proof that we certainly can endure this pain. Wipe those tears, ladies. You certainly don’t need a blurry sight for the more interesting thing to come in your life in the nearest future.

Maybe you can consider doing one more virtuous thing before you proceed to the next best thing. 

Forgive him.

Welcome to more adventures in your life, as a better lady we have become now. Good luck :)

Her Best Value When Beauty & Youth Are Gone

I saw this woman. She went into my office and asked me whether or not I have any idea about this guy. She mentioned the name. Yes I know the guy. He used to be the guard of the building. He resigned not long before. According to hearsays, the guy resigned because his wife from Philippine came to Sabah to follow him. Along with her, are her 5 kids. The husband went away from hometown way too long. Just as soon as the wife and kids arrived in Sabah, he ran away to Singapore. That was what I heard. This woman must be his wife.

I looked at the woman and thought for a little longer. She has grown quite old, not groomed and nothing fancy to look at. I saw in her, a difficult life trying to survive another day. I saw in her, The Pain that she’s still enduring. I saw in her, the smile that was faked. Any woman would not have a freaking real smile when the man she loves abandons her. She couldn’t hide it from me because I’m been studying people forever. Although I am nowhere to pity her or to feel sorry for her; judging from my own unsettled life and neverending problems and dilemmas, I still think that the only reason I could feel sorry for her was that I was just a little lucky on that moment she walked in and had contacts with me.

I imagine that this same woman, used to be the girl that he wanted to be with all the time. He might do anything he could to win her attention. He might say all the sweetest words so that she would fall for him. Those were the days when she was still young and pretty. Those were the days when life looked like a bed of roses. Those were the days when you thought the world was on your feet when another heart, belongs to the man that caught her eyes, confessed his devotion to spend the rest of his life with her. Yeah. This chronology was a logic one. Every girl who was once lucky, has this in her life’s history too. My mind told me that woman didn’t deserve to walk in like a beggar, asking people “Anybody saw my husband? Cos I haven’t seen him for so long” trying to hide a her raging heart. That is so unfair, man.

How come that someone, who used to be your princess, becomes someone you are scared of and you could not stand a sight of her? Even after she bore your kids who carry your name and dedicating her life to you …Is this all you repay her? Yeah, I’m a reasonable person. He’s just a human being. He likes to see nice and beautiful things and maybe his wife once has it but not anymore. But please look at her again. She might not anymore wearing the beauty that once make your heart skip a beat but PLEASE look at her again. She’s still “that girl” that you married. Even though time takes with it her vanity but that is STILL HER. The soul that she has when she was your favourite girl, it was the same soul in that body. In fact it was THE SOUL that conducts her every thoughts and moves since she was born until she became the girl of your dream, and then the woman on your side, the mother of your kids – I bet all the time when he was away, she became the father as well as the mother for the kids although she was not given so much physical strength to do it. AT LEAST…at least…she deserves to receive that sight of appreciation although it was far from sincere but at least she deserves to be treated like a woman, and we are talking about the queen of your heart.

I was thinking for quite a while. Whose fault when a guy falls for a girl just for all her physical qualities? If you think it was the guy’s fault, I bet the girl is enjoying it too when her beauty is appreciated. It’s not the girl’s fault for trying to look her best and she’s not to be blamed when her looks are the best quality that she has in the guy’s eyes. We can’t go around and tell the girl to not be loved for her beauty when we know it will fade. It’s not her fault, right? It’s still up to the guy to love her for what reason. We can’t blame a guy to love a girl’s beauty. We are made with the trait to appreciate beauty. 

Can this be a reason for us ladies to DEMAND that “Men, do not love us for what your eyes can see.” Cos we certainly don’t want to lose our man by the time the beauty fades away. Do you want the guys to love us for nothing more than our face value? What happens when our youth leaves us? What are there left with us when the wrinkles start to get visible, when we start to gain weight after giving birth, when our hair turns grey?

Even if you gonna love us for that, but let it not be the only reason why you love us. Can we still see that awe in your face when you look at us 10, 20 years later. Cos we are like you, another creation of God, should not be treated Less, especially when we have devoted our lives to you. We women, deserve more than that.

It crossed my mind…would I still be appreciated for being chatty, talkative, opinionated, vocal, and what about me being the blogger, and all the things that I wrote and share with people; my qualities – ALL the things that I keep hearing from people who appreciate me. I wonder would my guy still appreciate my qualities that he includes in his answer when I first ask him why he falls for me. Would he start counting all my values from now and if so, it should be quite a mount of values he could rely on when aging takes its toll on me. And would that mean his feeling will not fade? This is more than trying to rely on pastime victory. This is about union between 2 people, the irreplaceable connection that is not based of what the eyes can see. I imagine that when 2 people have gone through thick and thin, they will love each other NOT in body, but in SOUL. After going through half lifetime together, WHY NOT finish it together. Regardless how much our flesh desire want to turn our back on this, if we get our senses right, we will eventually LEARN that THIS IS actually LOVE that people have spent lifetime to define. Only when they have spent that long with someone, they eventually realize that After all the Lust and Infatuation run out, What is left with them that keeps them happily together is this DEFINELESS bond. I bet God calls that Love :)

Love for a reason. For a Very Very Good Reason. Make sure it will still valid when the beauty and youth are gone. God Bless Our Quest for that LOVE.

“Find Me Someone Like You”

It’s funny how you just pass by some stations in your life without knowing how much it matters to the people you encounter. In some of them, they even have a special chapter for you if they were to write a book. I mean, wow. Sometimes you begin to wonder what’s in you that make you leave such a mark in some people’s lives.

You guys know that I’m always an analyzer. I have encountered with different kinds of guys in my life. To focus on a smaller scope, I shall speak about the guys who have positive encounters with me. How we got to know each other, and then got close to each other and then started to build some feeling, and then began to move a step ahead when we believed that we shared the same dream and until something happened that told us that it wasn’t meant to be. Those experiences with different individuals are not the same. Somehow, after you have associated with quite a few, you start to “get used” to some of the little similarities. Suddenly you are not that flattered anymore when guys start to sweet-talk. Suddenly you are not easily impressed with all the act of affection, material or emotion wise. Suddenly it takes harder for them to finally make you turn your face and really pay attention. Or you won’t have butterflies in the stomach anymore when you meet or talk with the guys for the first time. Even their flirting maneuver becomes readable to you.

Some of these guys are fighters. Good trait. They would approach you even if they know you might or might not be taken. They would keep a little hope that you might not and even if you are, a little possibility that you might change your mind when you get to know them. Sometimes it’s funny to be in the position where you don’t know what to do. If you move your left leg, someone gonna get hurt. Same with right. So you end up stagnant, not moving so that you delay in hurting someone. Whether or not this impression is temporary, but it feels good and real at the time it’s happening.

I may be plain and not be much to some people, but some think that I have a big talent in writing. Every words that I write are magnetic to them, while the rest are not even impressed a bit. Surprising how subjective this is. Then it’s the same thing about how you bring yourself in public, your appearance, the way you talk, the way you do your hair…and something new they learn about you, they feel even more smitten and attracted to your traits. Totally understandable. Just how you can admire some people in your life. You think they are so lucky and blessed. What if one day you realize that some people put you in that person’s place. They admire almost everything about you. And when they think it’s not possible to be the closest guy to you, they would say, “Can you find me someone just like you?" Someone who can write so well. Someone who has a blog. Someone who always have something to say to every question I ask, someone who likes to dance, someone who is nice to everyone…” Suddenly it made you smile when it’s like a redundant phrase. Of course they might just be flirting. Even if they are serious, the little voice in you says that No, you are not that good. When they say something like that, it’s like their last resort. if they think the chance is thin for them to have their way with you, so they could only wish to find someone like you. What do you think?

Maturity keeps us on the ground. Especially when it comes to the subject of picking the best person to live with. We know it’s a gamble. We could never be sure that we make the best decision. The good thing about maturity is we have ceased to look for perfection. We just be realistic about our criteria. Deep inside us, we wish that those who think we are special are realistic about their expectation too. Nobody’s perfect. *Winks.

You can’t take yourself for granted when you have people reminding you that you are special and I can say that these people might make you love yourself even more. Now you don’t have a choice. You have to love yourself more :)

To -You know who you are-, Thanks :)

NOTE: I planned to share more things about this but I changed my mind. I rather make it simple this time. *giggles. Maybe next time, okay…hehehe

Challenge of the Century: Practice What You Preach

I am moved to write this topic because of what’s happening around me. Money is always The Chief Devil that causes us humans to stray from the right track. It’s just too easy to get possessed by the devil when Money rules our mind. WHY? Can you trust yourself anymore when you are with money? How powerful can money be that you would break all your words and lose all the trusts people built on you? Is it worth it?

I am surrounded by female friends with their own struggles. I have my own struggle too. This working environment is the Real playground. No more simulation. This is the real thing. In the midst where everyone has their own goal, and the fact that we are never silent of problems and troubles, this is where we are tested to the limit. With all the virtues that we are trying to hold on to, we find out that it’s just too easy to lose grip. Here comes the art of manipulation of many fancy name people call it. In the end, it’s about using one another to get to our own goals, and whether or not others are celebrating with you. Or totally the opposite.

I have friends who are constantly depending on others to save them from problems. For them it’s their friends’ responsibility to prove that they are the friends in need. If you don’t help, means you are not the kind of friends that is worth to keep. I have another type of friends who slammed that type, who know so well and in details about why that other type is not the kind of friends to keep. In other words, you witness how the backbite each other, and they are both your friends. Logically speaking, the type who is so good in evaluating the other type for not being competent friends, they should perform way better than the first type, right? Guess what, as someone in the middle, I was quite upset to find out that they are both belong to the same league. I mean, all this while, I listen to each of them slamming the other, but they are just the same. Should I blame money as the culprit? It’s money that make them become friends who are never sufficient and always come to their friends for support and they would risk friendship and even familyship just as long as they get what their want. But then it is Money or is it just them who are too weak to get ruled by money instead of otherwise?

Money is really an indicator. To know how well you hold on to your virtues. You can speak about integrity, being honest, being trustworthy, and the list goes on…TRY It first with money. If you are given the sum of money to manage and handle, can you even do it. Can you promise to not cheat a penny. Or would you find a way to cheat with the excuse that you are a bit more unfortunate than some people so you should just be forgiven for your misconduct. What is it exactly?

I’m a little frustrated with the attitudes of some of my colleagues. At one time they told me they were behind these rare values but they crushed it just like that when they were put in the circumstances to Prove themselves. Not even friendship matters that much. I hate the fact that I have to lose another and another person to trust. I’m frustrated that I thought, I have friends who would put it the last that they would betray their values. I thought I was surrounded by people who would fight for it. They proved me wrong. Suddenly I feel so alone.

Then again, it’s my battle to Prove that I am not one of them. I will not have another person write something like that, referring me as a lost battle. I can’t go and spread good news when I myself is the bad news.

As a matter of fact, To Practice What You Preach is still humans’ biggest challenge.

Question is, are you gonna make it? Or just join the rest who failed? It’s time to prove. :) Best of luck :)