If You Can't Find It In Your Heart...

Counting days to Christmas, I am not as excited that I ever was because I'm putting my mind on some "Reality issues" that have happened this year. How my cousin got "paranormal" experience on Good Friday, how she suddenly spoke like she was possessed by the Holy Spirit, asking her father (my youngest uncle) to "come back to Him" which we thought it meant "to repent". Then a few months after that, that uncle of mine was called to eternal rest without a warning. He died in sleep at the age of 46. We act like we have moved on, no we have not. And then another uncle and another, have different health issue like a curse. That's how affected they are by the loss of the youngest brother. They wonder if they also "go" without seeing the next sunshine. Sometimes I wonder maybe all my tears that I don't cry, they have to express in a different way.

I think this Christmas has to be the time when we become alive again, not just literally, but means to really really be alive again in every possible meaning. We can't continue wasting it. We can't continue planting hatred and watering grudge. It's unfair to those who go untimely, they would do anything to still be alive another day, and yet here we are still "not" be exactly alive. Sometimes it's devastating to think that Why do we come to life to feel all this love and magnificent experience on earth and after all that, we have no choice but - to die. It's so devastating that our loved ones have to face it too. The thought is so hurtful.

And yet here I am still not being my best. Still saving it for tomorrow to become better. I am still not good for everything that I have conscience for, and everything that I'm actually capable of. These thoughts are too heavy that this Christmas has to be about recollecting. If I haven't started it already, now I have to. Darn it, stop saving the best for later. The best is for today. The best is for now. I hate having awesome celebrations just to walk the same person into the new year and giving myself all the false hopes again. When the fact is that I just want to remain the same.

I want to give and love more than I ever did. Like seriously. I don't want to regret any second. I don't believe that God gives us all this wisdom just so we could just ask Him for anything we want. I don't believe this is all we can do. We can do more than this. We can love more. We can achieve more. We certainly can be more alive than this.

So that's Christmas 2017 for me. A Christmas of recollection. I am big enough to figure out and I will not waste an inch of this conscience to bring to 2018. I am officially over my immature years, I must start to act likewise. So that's Christmas for me this time. And that's the kind of meaning that Christmas will have in my heart. It's not about the material anymore. If there's something I could offer is just how I love them deeply and sincerely.

As the saying goes, if you can't find Christmas in your heart, you won't find it under the tree.

My Stress Pair - A Pepsi & Nips

Just about a week ago, I faced a difficult situation. A sudden shock of challenge that came without warning. It got me really really down instantly. I realize that the reason I was like that is because I've been too comfortable for way too long. If I start looking for Pepsi and Nips Peanut, you know that I am struggling emotionally. These two are my Stress Pair.

I remember I could not see Nips Peanut around. It was out of stock. I searched in 3 different shops, NONE. I had to buy a different package, the one that has 16 smaller packs inside it but it's fine as long as it's Nips Peanut. I had to console myself. A mixture of embarrassment, pity, challenged, threatened - roll all into one. I must say it's been a while since I had a Pepsi and a Nips Peanut cos I always have my emotion under control. But this one, I was a bit beaten up.I swore to myself that I was gonna regain my sanity just after I had my Pepsi and Nips Peanut but first I must have them. They helped me to cool down. Imagine that I left only a few small packs of that Nips. I ate them like a monster. I was deeply deeply sunk in my cortisol.

The next day I woke up better. And then the next day. And a week went by. Finally, Today comes. I finally SAW the whole picture of my stress episode. The thing that triggered my stress level a week ago, IS OFFICIALLY NEUTRALIZED today. Only a week ago I was totally defeated and today I'm back on the battle ground. Looks like my threats are not BAD AT ALL. The new competitor turns into my biggest comfort of help, and as friendly as possible. I was totally wrong. My stress came from easy conclusion. Should I wait a little longer, I could have avoided from shooting sugar intake from the Pepsi & Nips. But still, some things are meant to be. I had to go through that difficult hour of becoming my own biggest enemy to see things clearer. One that thing I'm glad anyway, as bad as I described it, I only had a Pepsi & Nips and not anything more extreme, more foolish, more childish than that. Hehe

"Cuma Kawan Tunggu Bas Ja Pun"

Hi peeps! Since my title is in Malay, maybe I should blog in Manglish. Why Not!

Actually this phrase came out today, time sedang kongsi some pandangan sama my friend who is so brokenhearted sebab kena ignore oleh her whatsapp crush. Ironinya, the whatsapp guy is someone she never meets, and is NOT interested to meet or have any relationship with in reality. The reason is because my friend is MARRIED herself, but she plans to get a divorce soon and while she is still actively whatsapp-ing that guy every day and nite, in reality she is waiting for A REAL GUY who she can build a stable life with. However, this whatsapp guy is the only guy (apart from her own husband) whom she talks and shares her daily updates with. She says that he makes her happy whenever she's lonely. But she also admits that the guy is not her dream man material. He's jobless and lebih banyak habiskan masa in social media, making new friends, chat siang malam dengan banyak kawan online, sedangkan he should be building his life kan? So reason dia nyata dan jelas. Kalau this guy kena bungkus dalam kotak hadiah pun, dia tidak mau ambil tu hadiah. You get the situation?

So kejadian dia meroyan gara2 dia call dat guy and his phone engaged, dia suspect the guy bercakap sama perempuan lain. Then dia ring berpuluh-puluh kali sebagai tanda protest. The guy pula sengaja tidak sambut sebab tidak mau gaduh with her. Last2, the guy blocked her number supaya dia stop ringing. Now kawan sia ni pula yang dilanda kesedihan sebab dia rasa kehilangan. Kalau dia layan sedih sorang2 ndapa juga, ini dia keep bothering me to make her feel better. So that's why the phrase came out. Secara spontan.

I said, "Kenapa ba juga kau sampai macam ni sampai satu hari tidak dapat bikin kerja sebab terlampau sedih. Sepa juga tu lelaki sama kau? Prince Charming kau kah? Bukan kan? In fact, kau jadikan dia tempat untuk meluah dan bercerita, untuk bikin kau ketawa, untuk kasi teman kau time kau sunyi, SETAKAT ITU JA PUN". Umpamanya kau sedang duduk tunggu bas, dan dia ni happens to be the guy sitting beside you and kasi kawan kau tunggu bas. Adilkah kau suruh dia untuk jangan kasi tinggal kau sorang sedangkan kamu duduk di sana sebab tunggu bas masing2. It's like, dia tidak buli naik bas dia selagi bas kau belum datang. TIDAK SELFISH ka tu? Sebagai seorang kawan tunggu bas, kau expect hak ekslusif. Yang hanya kau yg dia buli pandang, dan hanya sama kau ja yang dia buli bercerita. Ngam ka gitu? In other words, KAU TIDAK BERHAK meminta semua itu daripada seorang Kawan Tunggu Bas kau. Jadi kau tidak berhak meroyan, mengamuk atau cemburu hanya sebab dia cakap dengan orang lain. Sedangkan kau pun ready mau babai dia ja bila bas kau datang. You get me?

Secara nda langsung, sia sendiri teringat kisah diri sia sendiri. I was worse than her. I got close to a guy, invested some of my time in him just for the fun of getting some attention, exchanging sweet words and stuff, just to realize that I didn't want more than that. Awal2 tu bukan sengaja. It's like I tried to see if I could find some potential in him and after a while, I found out he didn't have it, I continued just out of convenience but not planning to go to the next level; tanpa bagitau dia pun. Sia nda pun fikir yang dat guy pun ada impian dia sendiri. Dia pun mau ada pasangan yg dia mau. So apa yg sia bikin? Sia macam blocking that guy sebab I made him believe that I could be that girl for him. Sedangkan sia sudah tau He is just my Kawan Tunggu Bas, sementara "Bas" sia belum sampai. Sangat stupid dan selfish. And guess what, I did it berkali-kali to different guys. Biarpun I didn't cheat on them during "menunggu bas", but I already know I didn't want to go further with them. "Cukup setakat sampai bas sia sampai ja karang." Gila kan? Ladies, maybe kamurang pun bikin macam ni dalam tidak sedar. My advice is, JANGAN LAH. Kau akan dihantui oleh guilt yang cukup panjang. Cukup2 la membagi false hope dengan orang lain. Biarkan dorang naik bas yang dorang tunggu dan jangan tahan dorang kalau dorang tu cuma setakat kawan tunggu bas ja. Kadang2 kau mau rasa bikin silap ni sendiri baru kau tau. Then Be my guest! Guilt kau tu akan cukup untuk "cover" kau punya karma!

Kalau kawan tunggu bas, buat la macam cara kawan tunggu bas. Sepa bas dia duluan datang, wish dia farewell dengan baik2 saja :) Lepaskanlah kawan tunggu bas kamu untuk pergi ke destinasi yang dia tuju, sebagaimana kau sendiri dengan senang hati mau naik bas kau untuk ke destinasi yang kau tuju...Adil kan:))

Red Carpet for February!

I'm so excited because this is only the first 1st of Month after the New Year. On the last 1st January, I was considered unprepared to really welcome the new air. I'm glad that I did so much stuff to finally feel like it's really New Year this time. Maybe I prefer to follow the Chinese calendar this year cos it feels perfectly awesome after all the changes take place. My personal spaces at home and office, are looking new and I've done quite noticeable changes. Why Not, right? I believe that we can boost our progress twice faster. I feel good about 2017 and I'm gonna Give My Best. Let's do it!

WHAT I WISH WOULD GO AWAY...

F E A R

The older I get, the more fears I have. I'm tired of it and I wish that all my fears could just disappear. NOW. 

The Butterfly Visit

Hi guys. Second post in 2017. 

I've done office makeover for so so many times. I can choose not to, but this year is just too special, I want to do something extra to welcome all the good lucks. Sounds superstitious, right? Hahaha. No, not really. Everything good comes from God, This is how I prepare. 

I have a visitor while the office makeover is still ongoing. A Butterfly. It's so rare to see a butterfly in that area. Of course from the old folks tale, seeing a butterfly visiting your place represents someone that will come to your life. It's often related to relationship. I actually saw the butterfly and took picture of it first and forgot about it, until when my 2 friends were around and they saw the butterfly again. One of them actually noticed the colour of the  butterfly and said, Look!The Butterfly is in your favourite colours! I saw some distinct black and yellow colour. But the excitement in my two friends distracted me. The funniest thing is when they say, Hey Butterfly, Ask your friend to come to my place too! I also want to get married lah! I burst out laughing. Like they are so sure the butterfly visit means that a life partner will come soon. LOLS, If only it's that simple, right? I mean, there's a half joke half truth. Nobody wants to believe in superstitions but once in the bluemoon, you just play along with it hoping that Who Knows, it might just get real this time. Still, who actually rely on superstition at this mature age? To me, it's still a delight to receive the butterfly visit during the office makeover. It adds more emotion to the -getting-a-new-air behind all the rearrangement. 

I feel good that I use my free time to make changes. My old ways won't get me anywhere. I need to work harder. To put plans into actions. I can't let all my creative ideas gone unattended. 2017, I have a big mission and I will do my best. I repeat my most popular thought.

I'm not meant to get things easily. I'm meant to earn and achieve my missions and goals through lessons, failures, bad decisions, bad mistakes - which I have accumulated a lot already. I'm here today because I survive them all. I believe that God is preparing me for bigger things. There is a reason why I have to go through all this, Most importantly, when the blessing comes, I want to be there to receive it. 

Thank you Lord for your guidance. Lets do this, guys!

Welcome, 2017!!

Happy New Year, guys!! Who among you feel that this is gonna be an awesome year? Come on! Not the cliche faking your positivity, Haha...But seriously, do you feel that there's something about 2017 that is so special. Guess what. I feel it! Other than the fact that 7 is my favourite single number, I just have a hunch that we gonna click and have good times together! Of course, this could just be my wishful thinking but I still gonna go ahead with my days, right. So Why Not? Why not go for it with a lot of good faith!

Guys, I'm here writing this without any expectation. I don't even expect to still have my readers around. I just want to continue writing because once a while when I get to visit this blog and read back my previous posts, I'm so delighted that I wrote all those. I have forgotten most of the feelings. What's left with me if I forget everything? At least I have some records of how I feel at the current situation. So thank God, 2017 feels easy for me to start writing again. I just want to get in touch back with some of the elements in my life, that is WRITING. Hope we gonna see each other more often this year. If you are reading this, Thank you! God bless all of you! Lets do it!